The daily standup is a short meeting where everyone stands up, says what they did yesterday, and sits down because it has gone on for forty minutes. Nobody has stood since 2018. Here is your phrasebook.
Yesterday
- “Yesterday I was working on the ticket.” I looked at the ticket. The ticket looked at me. The ticket will outlast me.
- “I did some investigation.” I read Stack Overflow for six hours. One of the answers was mine, from 2019. It was wrong.
- “I had a lot of meetings.” I achieved nothing and would like it on record that someone else is to blame.
Today
- “Today I’ll continue with that.” I have no plan. I will open my editor and stare until lunch.
- “I’ll pick up the next ticket.” I am finished and do not want anyone to know. I will be “picking up” this ticket until retirement, which is also fictional.
- “I’ll pair with Raj on it.” Raj will do it. I will watch Raj do it and say “nice”. Raj will be made redundant first.
“No blockers” is the most optimistic phrase in software. The blocker is always there. It is usually me, and I’m on the call.
Blockers
- “No blockers.” Many blockers. None I can say in front of the client, or my mortgage.
- “Just waiting on the API.” Backend’s fault. I am handing this grenade to Backend, publicly, with a smile.
- “Small blocker, I’ll take it offline.” This is a disaster. Do not ask.
From the Scrum Master
- “Let’s keep it brief.” This will not be brief.
- “Can we park that?” Somebody started discussing the actual work, which is not permitted in the meeting about the work.
- “Great standup, everyone.” It was not a great standup. It was, at best, a sit-down with a timer nobody watched.
Use this phrasebook wisely. Nobody is listening to your update. They are rehearsing their own. When you leave, the standup will continue the next morning, one voice shorter, and nobody will notice for a week.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS?