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VOL. 13 · No. 4,610 FRIDAY, 30 OCTOBER 2026 PRICE: YOUR OPTIMISM SUBSCRIBE

The world's least qualified life coach. (allegedly)

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BREAKING (DOWN)

STUDY FINDS PEOPLE WHO SAY “LET’S CATCH UP SOON” HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO, EVER WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO NEIGHBOURHOOD GROUP CHAT SPENDS NINE DAYS INVESTIGATING LOUD BANG; COUNCIL STILL HASN’T REPLIED MAN WHO VANISHED FOR SEVEN MONTHS RETURNS WITH “HAHA YEAH”, RECIPIENT NOW SEVEN MONTHS CLOSER TO DEATH AND STILL TEMPTED EMPLOYEE SPENDS THREE HOURS PREPARING FOR MEETING THAT GETS CANCELLED; HOURS WILL NOT BE RETURNED 2.7 reply-alls are needed before someone writes "please remove me from this list." That email gets 31 replies. Nobody is ever removed. 31% of people have kept a bad haircut rather than make it awkward with the hairdresser. The hairdresser knew. The hairdresser always knows. 100% of people who say "I'm not a jealous person" have checked. Last night. Twice. 47 unread messages is the point at which a group chat gets muted. Nobody noticed you leave. Nobody noticed you join. LOCAL MAN MONEYMAXXES HIS WAY TO $3.12 IN CASHBACK, SPENDS 400 HOURS OF FINITE LIFE DOING IT STUDY FINDS PEOPLE WHO SAY “LET’S CATCH UP SOON” HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO, EVER WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO NEIGHBOURHOOD GROUP CHAT SPENDS NINE DAYS INVESTIGATING LOUD BANG; COUNCIL STILL HASN’T REPLIED MAN WHO VANISHED FOR SEVEN MONTHS RETURNS WITH “HAHA YEAH”, RECIPIENT NOW SEVEN MONTHS CLOSER TO DEATH AND STILL TEMPTED EMPLOYEE SPENDS THREE HOURS PREPARING FOR MEETING THAT GETS CANCELLED; HOURS WILL NOT BE RETURNED 2.7 reply-alls are needed before someone writes "please remove me from this list." That email gets 31 replies. Nobody is ever removed. 31% of people have kept a bad haircut rather than make it awkward with the hairdresser. The hairdresser knew. The hairdresser always knows. 100% of people who say "I'm not a jealous person" have checked. Last night. Twice. 47 unread messages is the point at which a group chat gets muted. Nobody noticed you leave. Nobody noticed you join. LOCAL MAN MONEYMAXXES HIS WAY TO $3.12 IN CASHBACK, SPENDS 400 HOURS OF FINITE LIFE DOING IT

INDEX OF DISAPPOINTMENTS

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“The world's least qualified life coach.”

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