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DEPARTMENT OF GEN Z / FLUENT, UNFORTUNATELY

GENZ

Zack watched 400 hours of TikTok “for work”. He says “no cap” with a straight face. He is still right about you.

MEMO / FROM: ZACK / RE: YOUR GENERATION

I have done the research. I watched it all, “for work”. I now speak fluent Gen Z, and I would like to apologise in advance, because I am going to use it on you. Every department below ends with a card built for your Story, and a reason to visit the next department. That is not a design choice. That is a trap.

MAKE YOUR CHARACTER

DEPT 01-GZMake Your CharacterTwelve questions. One trading card. Your stats are not good.OPEN FILE →DEPT 02-GZGet SchooledTell Zack your problem. He answers in fluent Gen Z, then translates it for adults.OPEN FILE →DEPT 03-GZScreen Time AutopsyA coroner's report on the hours you will never get back.OPEN FILE →DEPT 04-GZSoundtrack SentencingYour music taste goes on trial. The verdict is about you, not the artist.OPEN FILE →DEPT 05-GZThe Aura BankAn itemised statement for your aura. It is overdrawn.OPEN FILE →
DEPT 06-GZThe Situationship Tribunal"Talking" for seven months. The tribunal will see you now.OPENING SOON
DEPT 07-GZGroup Chat ForensicsWho said what, who left it on read, who started the other chat.OPENING SOON
DEPT 08-GZThe Delulu DetectorMeasures the exact distance between your plans and reality.OPENING SOON
DEPT 09-GZThe Main Character AuditAre you the lead? Your credit says 'Person in café'.OPENING SOON
DEPT 10-GZThe Ick IndexEvery ick you have ever had, ranked, and the one you give off.OPENING SOON
DEPT 11-GZThe Side Hustle DenFive income streams. Combined, a puddle.OPENING SOON
DEPT 12-GZTherapy-Speak TranslatorWhat 'I'm protecting my peace' means when you say it.OPENING SOON
DEPT 13-GZThe Era AssessorWhich era you are in. Which one you think you are in.OPENING SOON
DEPT 14-GZThe Core AssignerYour aesthetic, diagnosed. It is beige.OPENING SOON
DEPT 15-GZThe NPC TestDo you have dialogue, or just a walking route?OPENING SOON
DEPT 16-GZYour Phone Texts BackYour phone finally says what it thinks of you.OPENING SOON
DEPT 17-GZThe Gen Z TimesThe news, written by someone who read the comments.READ BELOW ↓
DEPT 18-GZDoomscroll ModeThe actual rabbit hole. Swipe until morning.OPENING SOON

EST. WHENEVER YOU WERE BORN / PRICE: YOUR ATTENTION SPAN

The Gen Z Times

All the news, written by someone who read the comments.

BREAKING (DOWN)
LOCAL 22-YEAR-OLD SAYS 'I'M SO TIRED' 400 TIMES IN ONE DAY, HAS SLEPT 11 HOURSSTUDY: 9 IN 10 'QUICK QUESTIONS' IN GROUP CHATS ARE NEITHER QUICK NOR A QUESTIONMAN, 24, TREATS 'OPENING AN EMAIL' AS A SELF-CARE MILESTONE, BOOKS DAY OFF TO RECOVERWOMAN ANNOUNCES 'VILLAIN ERA', IMMEDIATELY HOLDS DOOR OPEN FOR STRANGERUNIVERSITY STUDENT DISCOVERS LIBRARY IS 'BASICALLY A FREE CAFÉ WITHOUT COFFEE', LEAVESREPORT: GEN Z NOW MEASURING DISTANCE IN 'SONGS' (TESCO IS 'TWO SONGS AWAY')COUPLE 'SOFT LAUNCHES' RELATIONSHIP FOR 14 MONTHS, BREAKS UP BEFORE HARD LAUNCHLOCAL MAN WAITS 9 MINUTES TO REPLY TO SEEM BUSY, IS LYING IN THE DARKGEN Z WORKER QUIETLY QUITS, EMPLOYER QUIETLY NOTICES NOTHINGFRIEND GROUP SPENDS 3 HOURS CHOOSING A RESTAURANT, ORDERS SAME FOOD AS LAST TIME22-YEAR-OLD DESCRIBES ANY MILD INCONVENIENCE AS 'TRAUMATISING', INCLUDING A BUSBREAKING: PHONE AT 1% HAS STRONGER WILL TO LIVE THAN ITS OWNER ON A MONDAYNETHER STOWFIELD TEEN DESCRIBES OWN BEDROOM AS 'MY OFFICE', 'MY STUDIO' AND 'MY GYM', HAS NOT LEFT IT SINCE FRIDAYSCIENTISTS CONFIRM 'ON MY WAY' NOW LEGALLY MEANS 'IN THE SHOWER, THINKING ABOUT IT'GROUP CHAT OF 14 PEOPLE AGREES ON DATE FOR FIRST TIME SINCE 2023, EVENT CANCELLED DUE TO 'VIBES'LITTLE WOBBLING MAN, 23, SPENDS 40 MINUTES CHOOSING WHAT TO WATCH WHILE EATING, FINISHES FOOD, WATCHES NOTHINGREPORT: AVERAGE 'FIVE-MINUTE' TIKTOK BREAK NOW LASTS LONGER THAN A GCSEWOMAN WHO 'DOESN'T DO PHONE CALLS' RECEIVES ONE, RELOCATES TO NEW TOWNLOCAL ‘SIDE HUSTLE’ POSTS RECORD QUARTER: £11, ALL FROM OWNER'S NANGREAT MUDSWORTH STUDENT SETS 6 A.M. ALARM 'TO BE THAT GIRL', BECOMES THAT GIRL WHO SNOOZED UNTIL 11
  1. 01

    LOCAL 22-YEAR-OLD SAYS 'I'M SO TIRED' 400 TIMES IN ONE DAY, HAS SLEPT 11 HOURS

  2. 02

    STUDY: 9 IN 10 'QUICK QUESTIONS' IN GROUP CHATS ARE NEITHER QUICK NOR A QUESTION

  3. 03

    MAN, 24, TREATS 'OPENING AN EMAIL' AS A SELF-CARE MILESTONE, BOOKS DAY OFF TO RECOVER

  4. 04

    WOMAN ANNOUNCES 'VILLAIN ERA', IMMEDIATELY HOLDS DOOR OPEN FOR STRANGER

  5. 05

    UNIVERSITY STUDENT DISCOVERS LIBRARY IS 'BASICALLY A FREE CAFÉ WITHOUT COFFEE', LEAVES

  6. 06

    REPORT: GEN Z NOW MEASURING DISTANCE IN 'SONGS' (TESCO IS 'TWO SONGS AWAY')

  7. 07

    COUPLE 'SOFT LAUNCHES' RELATIONSHIP FOR 14 MONTHS, BREAKS UP BEFORE HARD LAUNCH

  8. 08

    LOCAL MAN WAITS 9 MINUTES TO REPLY TO SEEM BUSY, IS LYING IN THE DARK

  9. 09

    GEN Z WORKER QUIETLY QUITS, EMPLOYER QUIETLY NOTICES NOTHING

  10. 10

    FRIEND GROUP SPENDS 3 HOURS CHOOSING A RESTAURANT, ORDERS SAME FOOD AS LAST TIME

  11. 11

    22-YEAR-OLD DESCRIBES ANY MILD INCONVENIENCE AS 'TRAUMATISING', INCLUDING A BUS

  12. 12

    BREAKING: PHONE AT 1% HAS STRONGER WILL TO LIVE THAN ITS OWNER ON A MONDAY

  13. 13

    NETHER STOWFIELD TEEN DESCRIBES OWN BEDROOM AS 'MY OFFICE', 'MY STUDIO' AND 'MY GYM', HAS NOT LEFT IT SINCE FRIDAY

  14. 14

    SCIENTISTS CONFIRM 'ON MY WAY' NOW LEGALLY MEANS 'IN THE SHOWER, THINKING ABOUT IT'

  15. 15

    GROUP CHAT OF 14 PEOPLE AGREES ON DATE FOR FIRST TIME SINCE 2023, EVENT CANCELLED DUE TO 'VIBES'

  16. 16

    LITTLE WOBBLING MAN, 23, SPENDS 40 MINUTES CHOOSING WHAT TO WATCH WHILE EATING, FINISHES FOOD, WATCHES NOTHING

  17. 17

    REPORT: AVERAGE 'FIVE-MINUTE' TIKTOK BREAK NOW LASTS LONGER THAN A GCSE

  18. 18

    WOMAN WHO 'DOESN'T DO PHONE CALLS' RECEIVES ONE, RELOCATES TO NEW TOWN

  19. 19

    LOCAL ‘SIDE HUSTLE’ POSTS RECORD QUARTER: £11, ALL FROM OWNER'S NAN

  20. 20

    GREAT MUDSWORTH STUDENT SETS 6 A.M. ALARM 'TO BE THAT GIRL', BECOMES THAT GIRL WHO SNOOZED UNTIL 11

The Gen Z Times is satire. All people and places are invented, including the bus.

GEN Z QUOTE BANK / 60 AND COUNTING

DEMOTIVATION, NO CAP

Press the button. Receive the truth. Pretend it isn’t about you.

— Zack, fluent