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VOL. 13 · No. 4,611 SATURDAY, 31 OCTOBER 2026 PRICE: YOUR OPTIMISM SUBSCRIBE

The world's least qualified life coach. (allegedly)

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BREAKING (DOWN)

WOMAN THANKS HELPFUL AI CHATBOT, DISCOVERS IT WAS A MAN CALLED KEITH IN A SPARE ROOM WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME AREA MAN’S “QUICK QUESTION” ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE’S YOUTH DECLARED LOST RESEARCHERS CONFIRM “FIVE MORE MINUTES” OF SLEEP LASTS AVERAGE OF 52 MINUTES, ADDS UP TO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE 3.8 weeks is the average lifespan of a freshly organised cupboard. Entropy wins. It's the only thing in the universe with a perfect record. PHONE UPDATE MOVES EVERY BUTTON USER HAD ONLY JUST LEARNED; MANUFACTURER CALLS IT “DELIGHT” STUDY FINDS PEOPLE WHO SAY “LET’S CATCH UP SOON” HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO, EVER 61% of "on my way" texts are sent before the sender has found their shoes. The other 39% before they've decided to come. 17 browser tabs is the point at which a person stops being productive and becomes a museum nobody visits. $0.00 is the total profit of the average side hustle once the domain renewal is paid. Losses are carried forward. So is the shame. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO WOMAN THANKS HELPFUL AI CHATBOT, DISCOVERS IT WAS A MAN CALLED KEITH IN A SPARE ROOM WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME AREA MAN’S “QUICK QUESTION” ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE’S YOUTH DECLARED LOST RESEARCHERS CONFIRM “FIVE MORE MINUTES” OF SLEEP LASTS AVERAGE OF 52 MINUTES, ADDS UP TO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE 3.8 weeks is the average lifespan of a freshly organised cupboard. Entropy wins. It's the only thing in the universe with a perfect record. PHONE UPDATE MOVES EVERY BUTTON USER HAD ONLY JUST LEARNED; MANUFACTURER CALLS IT “DELIGHT” STUDY FINDS PEOPLE WHO SAY “LET’S CATCH UP SOON” HAVE NO INTENTION OF DOING SO, EVER 61% of "on my way" texts are sent before the sender has found their shoes. The other 39% before they've decided to come. 17 browser tabs is the point at which a person stops being productive and becomes a museum nobody visits. $0.00 is the total profit of the average side hustle once the domain renewal is paid. Losses are carried forward. So is the shame. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO

INDEX OF DISAPPOINTMENTS

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DEPARTMENT OF FORESIGHT

THE FUTURE PREDICTOR

Six questions. One deeply unflattering future. Entertainment only. Accuracy alarming.

FORM FP-6 / FUTURE ASSESSMENT QUESTIONNAIRE

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Relationship status Number of children

Biggest ambition Biggest fear

YOUR FUTURE (NON-REFUNDABLE)

“The world's least qualified life coach.”

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