LITTLE HARROWDEAN —
A Little Harrowdean fern has officially outlived its owner’s third New Year’s resolution, horticultural sources confirmed this week, marking what experts are calling “a significant win for the fern and a pattern for the owner.”
The plant, named Gordon, was bought in January by local resident Claire Dunmore, 34, as part of a wider “fresh start” that also included running three times a week, learning Italian and bringing lunch from home.
The running plan ended in the second week of January after what Dunmore called “a weather situation.” The Italian app streak ended on day 23, when she fell asleep before the owl could reach her; the app has since sent 340 notifications, each more disappointed than the last. The packed lunch lasted until a colleague mentioned a new sandwich place, which charges $11.50 for bread with opinions.
Gordon, meanwhile, is “doing fine.”
“Maybe that’s the secret. Maybe guilt is very hydrating.”
“I honestly don’t know how,” Dunmore said. “I water him when I feel guilty. Which is often. Maybe that’s the secret. Maybe guilt is very hydrating.”
A report by the Harrowdean Botanical Society found that 63% of resolution-linked houseplants outlive the resolutions they were bought alongside, and a small but growing number outlive the people who bought them. Ferns, the report notes, can live for decades. “Gordon will probably be at the reading of the will,” said one researcher. “He may well be in it.”
“Plants are low-maintenance by design,” said society spokesman Dr. Rupert Hale. “Resolutions are not. A fern doesn’t care if it’s raining. A fern has never once said ‘I’ll start on Monday.’ A fern doesn’t have a Monday. That’s why it’s winning.”
Dunmore said she had considered making Gordon part of a new resolution but decided against it. “I’d ruin it,” she said. “The moment I try to look after him properly, he’ll give up out of spite. Right now we have an arrangement. I ignore him and he grows. It’s the healthiest relationship I’ve had in years.”
At press time, Gordon had produced a new leaf, which Dunmore photographed, posted online and captioned “growth.” It received fewer likes than a stranger’s sourdough.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.