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PUBLIC NOTICE  /  FILE No. 0001-Z

ZACK THE SADIST

The world's least qualified life coach.

Motivation was getting out of hand.
So we had it quietly put down.

GET DEMOTIVATED ASK ZACK
  • Certified Life Coach
  • Inspiring Mildly informative
  • Clients helped: 0. Clients harmed: ongoing (by design)
DEPT. OF DEMOTIVATIONID 000-000-001
Illustration of Zack: an exhausted, unimpressed life coach holding a coffee mug that says NO
NAME: ZACKSTATUS: TIRED
NOT CERTIFIED
he looks tired.
you look worse.
TODAY'S DEMOTIVATION FRIDAY, 30 OCTOBER 2026
Every company now has an AI assistant.
It's the only member of staff nobody's asked to come in on Fridays, and the only one getting your job.

— Zack, unqualified

VERIFIED
UNHELPFUL

NEW DEPARTMENT / NOW OPEN / UNFORTUNATELY

Zack learned Gen Z. No cap.

Make your character. Get schooled. Find out how cooked you are. Every result is a card built for your Story, and every card has a weak stat that sends you somewhere worse.

MAKE YOUR CHARACTER ENTER THE DEPARTMENT

ASK ZACK / READER MAIL

GOT A PROBLEM?

Excellent. Zack has been waiting to hurt you.

ASK ZACK he will answer.
nobody can stop him.

THE PROBLEM“I earn a decent salary. Not huge, but decent. Somehow, by the 20th of every month, I'm checking my balance before buying a sandwich. I don't have expensive hobbies, I don't gamble and I don't buy designer things. I just can't work out where it…”— Dev, 34

ZACK'S RESPONSE

Your money is going where everybody's goes: into a thousand small, reasonable decisions, each costing about $12, each made by a tired version of you who believed in a future that hasn't arrived. Nobody goes broke on one big thing. You go broke on the coffee, on the delivery fee for the takeaway you ordered because you were too exhausted…

READ THE FULL DAMAGE →

RANDOM SADNESS GENERATOR

RUIN MY DAY

Our forecasting department has never been wrong. It just had not got round to you. Until now.

YOUR FATE

Press the button. Zack will handle the rest.

COMPLETELY UNNECESSARY STATISTIC

80%

of productivity apps are downloaded while avoiding work. The app then sends a reminder. You avoid that too.Procrastination Technology Board

ALL THE NUMBERS NOBODY NEEDED →

THE MAGAZINE / ISSUE 44

FROM THE ARCHIVES OF REGRET

ALSO DISAPPOINTING

  1. Technology / Internet CultureAITA? An FAQ for Asking 40,000 Strangers Whether You’re the Bad Guy (You Are)
  2. Life / Aging2026 Is the New 2016: I Recreated the Year and My Knees Filed a Formal Complaint
  3. Technology / AIHumans Pretending to Be AI: Local Man Hired as Chatbot Asks for Lunch Break, Is Reminded Chatbots Don’t Eat
  4. Technology / AI‘Speak to an Agent’: The Nine Stages of Customer Service Chatbot Grief, Ranked by Years Lost
  5. Technology / AIAI Agrees With You. Zack Doesn’t. Zack Has Met You.
  6. Money / Financial DelusionMoneymaxxing: A Glossary for People With Nine Cashback Apps, No Money and No Pension

ENTER THE MAGAZINE

HALL OF BAD DECISIONS / EXHIBIT 4403-P

The Escape Room

I suggested an escape room for a first date because I'd read it shows how someone handles pressure. It does. I handled it by reading every clue aloud in a voice I've never used before and accusing a padlock of lying to me. We didn't escape. The host let us out after the hour with…

— Tom, Leeds

TOUR THE HALL CONFESS YOURS →

RANDOM OBSERVATION

This is the year everything changes. For other people. You'll hear about it.

TOOLS NOBODY NEEDED

THE DEPARTMENT OF INTERACTIVE REGRET

FORM 01-BRuin My DayA forecast for your day. Accurate enough to hurt. Specific enough to ruin lunch.OPEN FILE →FORM 02-BCourt of Bad DecisionsSubmit your plan. You were found guilty before you finished typing.OPEN FILE →FORM 03-BFuture PredictorSix questions. One future. It has already started going wrong.OPEN FILE →FORM 04-BShould I Text Them?The answer is no. But go on. Ask. Embarrass yourself properly.OPEN FILE →FORM 05-BQuote GeneratorDemotivation sorted by which part of your life is collapsing fastest.OPEN FILE →FORM 06-BUnnecessary StatisticsNumbers nobody asked for. Most of them are about you.OPEN FILE →FORM 07-BCorporate TranslatorWhat they said. What they meant. Why you are next.OPEN FILE →FORM 08-BAge CalculatorYour real age. Your knees already told everyone.OPEN FILE →FORM 09-BMeme GeneratorTurn your suffering into content. It is the only thing it is good for.OPEN FILE →

Newsletter / Issue No. 444

THE WEEKLY DISAPPOINTMENT

One email a week. Advice you didn't ask for, statistics about your decline, and observations that will quietly ruin your Sunday.

No spam. Just disappointment. Unsubscribe whenever you regain hope.