THIRD FLOOR, BRACKLEY HOUSE: The office birthday cake economy officially entered recession this week after two consecutive quarters of declining sponge. Economists describe the outlook as “crumbs”, then correct themselves to “not even crumbs”.
The downturn was confirmed on Tuesday when a card went round for Linda in Payroll and the cake turned out to be a box of mini rolls with four missing. Linda has worked here eleven years. That’s two and a half mini rolls a year. She’ll get fewer next year.
A Fragile Market
“The cake economy was always fragile,” said a senior analyst who asked not to be named, because he took the mini rolls. “It runs on goodwill, a rota nobody follows, and one woman called Priya who does everything and has never once been thanked. When Priya leaves, there will be no cake. There will barely be a building.”
Figures compiled on a kitchen sticky note show the average cake fell from a homemade Victoria sponge in 2019, to “a supermarket caterpillar” in 2023, to “an email saying there are biscuits in the usual place” today. Nobody knows where the usual place is. The person who did has been made redundant.
Experts say the market cannot recover until someone admits they have been taking two slices since 2016. Nobody will. Nobody ever has.
The Card Crisis
The collapse has come with severe inflation in the card sector. Linda’s card was signed by 41 people. Thirty-eight wrote “Happy birthday!”. Two wrote “Have a great one!”. One wrote “Who is Linda?”, then added a smiley face, then got promoted.
Calls for Intervention
The union representing Keith, which is just Keith, demands a “cake ceiling” of one slice per person and a ban on hovering by the kitchen at 3pm. Management did not reply. Management has a separate fridge.
Instead, leadership announced a monthly “joint birthday celebration” for everyone born that month. Staff call it “cake communism” and “one tray of flapjacks shared by nine people with different allergies and the same salary freeze”.
At press time the economy briefly rallied when a leaving card went round. Analysts warn this is not growth. It is Dave from Sales leaving. His replacement starts Monday on less money and won’t get a card.