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VOL. 13 · No. 4,610 FRIDAY, 30 OCTOBER 2026 PRICE: YOUR OPTIMISM SUBSCRIBE

The world's least qualified life coach. (allegedly)

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BREAKING (DOWN)

COMPANY’S “FULLY OPTIONAL” OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS RESEARCHERS CONFIRM “FIVE MORE MINUTES” OF SLEEP LASTS AVERAGE OF 52 MINUTES, ADDS UP TO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE NEIGHBOURHOOD GROUP CHAT SPENDS NINE DAYS INVESTIGATING LOUD BANG; COUNCIL STILL HASN’T REPLIED EMPLOYEE SPENDS THREE HOURS PREPARING FOR MEETING THAT GETS CANCELLED; HOURS WILL NOT BE RETURNED 2.7 reply-alls are needed before someone writes "please remove me from this list." That email gets 31 replies. Nobody is ever removed. WOMAN THANKS HELPFUL AI CHATBOT, DISCOVERS IT WAS A MAN CALLED KEITH IN A SPARE ROOM WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME 11 times a year the average person says "we should catch up." Catch-ups completed: 0.4. Funerals where you finally do: 1. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO 68% of gym memberships are used mainly for the free shower and a sense of identity. The gym's business model is your absence. 4 laminated "Unacceptable Behaviour" posters hang in the average office kitchen. They will outlast the mugs, the managers and most of the staff. COMPANY’S “FULLY OPTIONAL” OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS RESEARCHERS CONFIRM “FIVE MORE MINUTES” OF SLEEP LASTS AVERAGE OF 52 MINUTES, ADDS UP TO YEARS OF YOUR LIFE NEIGHBOURHOOD GROUP CHAT SPENDS NINE DAYS INVESTIGATING LOUD BANG; COUNCIL STILL HASN’T REPLIED EMPLOYEE SPENDS THREE HOURS PREPARING FOR MEETING THAT GETS CANCELLED; HOURS WILL NOT BE RETURNED 2.7 reply-alls are needed before someone writes "please remove me from this list." That email gets 31 replies. Nobody is ever removed. WOMAN THANKS HELPFUL AI CHATBOT, DISCOVERS IT WAS A MAN CALLED KEITH IN A SPARE ROOM WHO THOUGHT SHE WAS WRONG THE WHOLE TIME 11 times a year the average person says "we should catch up." Catch-ups completed: 0.4. Funerals where you finally do: 1. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO 68% of gym memberships are used mainly for the free shower and a sense of identity. The gym's business model is your absence. 4 laminated "Unacceptable Behaviour" posters hang in the average office kitchen. They will outlast the mugs, the managers and most of the staff.

INDEX OF DISAPPOINTMENTS

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IN SESSION / NO APPEALS

COURT OF BAD DECISIONS

Present your plan. The verdict was reached before you arrived.

CASE No. — / THE PEOPLE vs. YOUR JUDGEMENT

State your intended decision, for the record.

THE COURT HAS HEARD YOUR CASE

EVIDENCE

VERDICT

SENTENCE

RULED

RECENT RULINGS

“The world's least qualified life coach.”

We don't solve problems.
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