SADIST TIMES / Lifestyle
Reply to a message from February arrives "like nothing happened," prompting recipient to reconsider the nature of time, men, and her own judgement, in that order.
A Nether Stowfield woman has received a reply to a message she sent in February, sources confirmed Monday, from a man who appears to believe it is still February. Hannah Greaves, 30, had texted a man she met through a dating app asking whether he "fancied that pub quiz on Thursday." She received no response for 211 days, during which she moved flat twice and was passed over for promotion by a man named Toby. On Sunday at 11:48pm, her phone lit up: "haha yeah could be good." "No apology, no explanation," Greaves said. "Just 'haha yeah', like he'd stepped out to take a call. The pub quiz doesn't exist anymore. The pub is a gym now. Everything moved on… continued on page 2
SADIST TIMES / Workplace
Management insists there is no return-to-office mandate, merely a growing number of days on which being in the office is "strongly celebrated" and being absent is "noted warmly".
SADIST TIMES / Technology
Assistant that answered 400 questions "with unusual warmth and occasional spelling mistakes" turns out to be 58, retired, very good at typing and privately unimpressed.
SADIST TIMES / Local
Seven cards, four apps and one colour-coded spreadsheet deliver returns described by experts as "technically positive" and by his partner as "the end".
SADIST TIMES / Science
Researchers say the phrase now functions as a polite way of saying goodbye forever, which, statistically, it is.
SADIST TIMES / Property
Listing praises "open-plan living," which agents confirm means the bed is in the kitchen and the kitchen is a kettle.
SADIST TIMES / Lifestyle
Fern described as "thriving" despite being watered only during moments of guilt, which sources confirm is constantly.
SADIST TIMES / Local
Theories ranged from fireworks to a portal. Cause later confirmed to be a recycling bin the council has not collected since August.
SADIST TIMES / Workplace
Colleague who said "sure" has missed lunch, two meetings and the changing of the seasons, and will not be compensated.
SADIST TIMES / Local
Passport search uncovers floor, two mugs of historical significance and a 2014 hoodie from back when he still had plans.
SADIST TIMES / Workplace
Twenty-two slides, two backup slides and one rehearsed joke join the company's vast archive of work no one will ever see.
SADIST TIMES / Science
Snooze button found to be "the most powerful time machine ever invented, and it only goes one way," says exhausted scientist.
SADIST TIMES / Technology
Overnight software improvement leaves local woman unable to turn off torch for six hours and a very large company extremely pleased with itself.
SADIST TIMES / Technology
Brief scroll reveals former classmate is now "Chief Vision Officer," "humbled," and earning more than the man's entire street.
THE SADIST TIMES IS SATIRE. Every story, person, place, quote and study on this page is fictional. If it sounds like your life, that is a coincidence. Probably.