Rating: ★★☆☆☆
Verified purchaser since birth. Contract non-cancellable.
Overall
I used to love this product. As a teenager, it worked flawlessly. Fourteen hours straight, often through lunch. Five stars, if I’d ever been awake long enough to leave a review.
Now the quality has collapsed, and so have I.
What’s Changed
It arrives late and leaves early, like a contractor. I go to bed exhausted. I lie down, close my eyes, and the product does not turn up. Instead my brain runs a slideshow of every stupid thing I said in 2007, followed by my pension forecast.
At 4:12am it vanishes entirely, leaving me awake calculating how many summers I’ve got left. I locked the car. I always lock the car. The summers are the issue.
I don’t want much from sleep. Just the version I had at nineteen, when I could nap on a train and wake up at the right stop, with my whole life still ahead.
Customer Service
I contacted support via herbal tea, a white noise app, a weighted blanket and a podcast about the history of fishing nets. The podcast worked. At 2pm. In a meeting. With my boss.
Pros
- When it works, it’s the best thing still available to me.
- Free, which is suspicious.
- Comes with dreams, now exclusively about exams I never revised for and deadlines that are real.
Cons
- Delivery is a rumour.
- Arrives instantly on the sofa at 8:30pm, vanishes the second I’m in bed.
- Breaks the back. See separate complaint, filed from the floor.
Would I Recommend?
I have no choice. There is no competitor. Everything else is coffee, and coffee is a loan with a terrible interest rate.
Two stars. Will sleep again. Not well. Not soon. Not like before.