2026 Is the New 2016: I Recreated the Year and My Knees Filed a Formal Complaint
Everyone's recreating 2016: the dog filter, the Mannequin Challenge, the bottle flip. I tried a full weekend. My body has instructed a solicitor.
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#AGING
The Official Scale of Being Tired, Levels 1 to 7 (You Live at Level 4)
Level 1 is "a bit sleepy." Level 7 is milk in the cupboard, cereal in the fridge. Find your level on the official tiredness scale. It's…
MAKE THIS WORSE →Welcome to the Museum of My Childhood: Please Do Not Touch the Exhibits, Including Me
Exhibit 4: the landline, curly cord, zero privacy. A guided tour of a childhood that is now officially retro, led by a guide who is also…
MAKE THIS WORSE →Local Man Injures Back While Sleeping: Full Match Report From the Decline
He went to bed healthy. He woke up unable to turn his head left. A full match report on middle age's most dangerous sport: sleeping.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Things Nobody Tells You About Getting Older (Because They’re Busy Getting Older)
You'll make a noise standing up. Hangovers last until Thursday. You'll injure yourself sleeping. And it only goes one direction.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Hello, My Name Is Zack, and I Go to Bed at 9:30 on Purpose. My Friends Stopped Asking.
Nobody makes me. I just go. A support group confession from someone who now calls 10pm a late night and hasn't been invited out since spring.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Terms and Conditions of Being My Teenager’s Parent (Updated, Non-Negotiable)
Clause 2.3: the parent shall not sing in the car when friends are present. Clause 4.1: snacks, indefinitely. The full terms. You've already agreed.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Support Ticket #4471: Why Does Everything Need an App Now, and Why Does It Hate Me
I wanted to park my car. I had to download an app, make a password and verify my email. A support ticket from a man losing…
MAKE THIS WORSE →Quiz: Have You Become Your Parents? (You Have. Score Yourself Anyway.)
Do you say "who's that?" when the doorbell rings? Own a favourite knife? Take the quiz. The result was decided years ago, without you.
MAKE THIS WORSE →My Left Knee Is Now More Accurate Than the Weather Forecast, and More Bitter
Forget the weather app. My left knee predicted rain three days early. Here's this week's forecast, delivered by a joint that has given up on me.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Incident Report: A Teenager Played Me a Song and I Felt My Era End
A teenager asked if I'd heard the new song by someone I'd never heard of. I lied. Official incident report from the musically deceased.
MAKE THIS WORSE →Sleep: A Customer Review, Two Stars, Would Switch Provider If One Existed
Loyal customer of sleep for decades. The service has collapsed and support is a podcast about fishing nets. My honest, verified-purchase review.
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