GREATER WIMBLEFORD —
A landmark study released this week by the Greater Wimbleford Centre for Social Evasion has confirmed that people who say “let’s catch up soon” have no intention of catching up, soon, later, or at any point before one of them dies.
The research tracked 2,400 adults over five years and found that only 0.3% of “let’s catch up soon” statements resulted in an actual catch-up. Most of those were traced to accidental encounters in supermarkets, airports and the car park of a crematorium.
“We expected the figure to be low,” said lead researcher Professor Alan Whitcombe. “We didn’t expect a rounding error. We had to apply for more funding just to measure how rarely it happens. The funding body said it would get back to us ‘soon.'”
The study identified common variations including “we must get a drink sometime,” “I’ll message you,” and “we should do this more often,” which researchers classified as “warm, sincere and legally fictional.”
The average catch-up is postponed four times before both parties silently agree to let it lapse. Most cancellations arrive between 4pm and 5pm on the day itself, by text, usually featuring the words “absolutely shattered” and a crying-laughing face that is doing neither.
“Our sensors detected measurable joy in both participants when the plans fell through. Friendship is now mostly the shared relief of not seeing each other.”
Local woman Priya Mendes, 36, said she was not offended. “I’ve been promising to catch up with my university flatmate since 2017,” she said. “We both know. We’ll meet at a funeral eventually. One of ours. The other one will say ‘we really should have caught up.'”
Researchers noted one exception. Catch-ups given a specific date, time and place in the original conversation went ahead 64% of the time. The remaining 36% were cancelled by the venue, which had closed after its rent tripled.
“So the cure exists,” Whitcombe said. “People just prefer the disease.”
At press time, the research team had promised to present their findings at a conference “soon.” The conference has since been cancelled, with organisers citing “absolutely shattered.”
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.