UPPER CRAMBLETON —
An Upper Crambleton landlord has been praised by literary experts for a rental listing describing a damp under-stairs cupboard as a “cosy studio with character, perfect for the young professional who has stopped hoping.”
The property, roughly the width of a sofa and the height of a shorter sofa, is listed at $1,400 per month, excluding bills, including mould. The mould has lived there longer than any tenant and is, under local law, the more established resident.
“I think it’s a lovely space,” said landlord Geoffrey Pruett, 61, who lives in a five-bedroom house elsewhere and owns eleven others.
“It has everything a person needs. A wall. Another wall. And natural light, if you leave the door open and it’s July.”
The listing promises “open-plan living,” which local letting agents confirmed means the bed is in the kitchen and the kitchen is a kettle. It also boasts “exposed features,” a reference to a pipe that drips on Tuesdays and, on bad Tuesdays, onto the wiring.
According to the Crambleton Society for Property Language, which nobody funded, words in rental listings now carry meanings that differ significantly from their dictionary definitions. Its latest glossary translates “characterful” as “falling apart,” “compact” as “you’ll touch both walls,” “up-and-coming area” as “there was a siren during the viewing,” and “ideal first home” as “you will rent here until you are 60.”
“These people could be novelists,” said the society’s chair, Dr. Rosalind Thwaite. “In a sense they are. It’s all fiction. The only true word in the listing is the price, and that’s horror.”
The property received 214 enquiries within an hour. Eleven people attended a group viewing, though only three fitted inside, so the rest viewed it “in shifts” from the hallway, which Pruett is now also advertising as a room.
Prospective tenant Leo Amari, 26, said he was seriously considering it. “It’s near the station,” he said. “And it’s bigger than my last place, which was described as a ‘loft’ and was a loft. The actual loft. The landlord stored the Christmas decorations around me.”
At press time, the cupboard had been let to the highest bidder, who was asked for six months’ rent in advance, three references, a guarantor earning forty times the rent and a short essay on why they deserve it. Pruett announced a rent review the following morning.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.