KINGS BRADDOCK —
Scientists at the Kings Braddock Laboratory for Morning Studies have confirmed that “five more minutes,” when spoken from bed, lasts an average of 52 minutes, with some cases extending into early afternoon and one into a career change.
The study observed 900 adults over six months using sleep trackers, hidden cameras and, in one case, a very patient flatmate who has since moved out.
“The brain does not process ‘five more minutes’ as a measurement of time,” said lead researcher Dr. Imogen Starling, who arrived at the press conference forty minutes late. “It processes it as a feeling. The feeling is ‘not yet.'”
“The feeling is ‘not yet.’ It is also, broadly, how most people approach their pension.”
The average snooze button is pressed 4.3 times per morning, each press accompanied by a silent promise that this one is the last. Researchers recorded “okay, okay,” “I’m up” and “right, seriously now” a combined 11,000 times, none followed by anyone getting up. Across an adult life, the lab calculates, snoozing adds up to roughly two and a half years spent neither asleep nor awake, which participants described as “honestly the best bit.”
The study also identified “the 8:47 bolt,” a moment of total panic in which participants went from horizontal to fully dressed in under four minutes, usually in yesterday’s socks, driven entirely by fear of a manager who would replace them by Thursday.
“It’s incredible athleticism,” said Starling. “These people can’t run for a bus. But give them a missed alarm and a 9am meeting with HR and they move like something being hunted.”
Participant Tom Ridley, 30, said the findings felt “personal.” “I set seven alarms,” he explained. “Each one is named. The first is ‘Gentle Start.’ The last is ‘You’ve Ruined Everything.’ I wake up for that one. It’s the only one that tells the truth.”
The research team recommended placing alarms on the other side of the room, which participants rated “effective” and “a betrayal.” The lab’s corporate sponsor recommended simply starting work an hour earlier, which participants rated “unprintable.”
At press time, the laboratory had announced a follow-up study into the phrase “one more episode,” with results expected around 2am and the lead researcher expected never.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.