GREAT MUDSWORTH —
A Great Mudsworth logistics firm that has never formally announced a return-to-office policy now expects staff at their desks six days a week, a schedule management continues to describe as “total flexibility”.
The change began quietly in February, when Tuesdays became “core collaboration days.” Wednesdays followed in April, after a manager noted that “Tuesday’s energy deserves a sequel.” Thursday came in June for “momentum,” Monday in July for “bookending,” and Friday in August for reasons nobody can recall.
Alternate Saturdays were introduced last week as “Optional Connection Mornings.” Attendance was 100%.
“There is no mandate,” said Head of People Experience Clive Roderick, standing in front of a live badge-swipe leaderboard. “People are free to work wherever they like. We simply notice, warmly and in real time, where that is, and we remember it at bonus season.”
The leaderboard, displayed in reception, ranks employees by attendance and awards a gold star to the top ten. The bottom ten receive what HR calls “a supportive calendar invite.” Nobody has ever come back from a supportive calendar invite. Their desks are still warm.
Other encouragements include free in-office lunches with a sign-in sheet, a pastry rota and a laminated kitchen poster headed “WHAT GREAT LOOKS LIKE,” featuring a photo of a full car park taken at 7:15am in January.
“I came in on a Saturday to get my charger and they gave me a lanyard that says Culture Champion,” said account manager Becky Thorne, 31. “I’m scared to take it off. The last Culture Champion took his off in March. Nobody has said his name since.”
An internal survey found 54% of employees would leave for more flexibility. Management responded with a mandatory in-person workshop on flexibility, held on a Saturday, with a sign-in sheet.
Roderick defended the approach. “I haven’t worked from home in eleven years,” he said. “I don’t even know where my home is anymore. My children call me Clive. And look at me.”
At press time, the company had confirmed that Sundays would remain entirely optional “for now,” and that all future staff memorial services would be held in the main boardroom “to support attendance,” with a small breakfast provided.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.