Dating has a new trend: clear-coding. You state your intentions up front. No games, no mixed signals, no three-week investigation into whether “haha” meant interest or pity. It is healthy, mature and refreshing. It is also, when two committed clear-coders meet, a hostile takeover with breadsticks.
The following transcript was recorded (with consent, confirmed twice, in writing, witnessed by a sommelier) at a wine bar on a Tuesday.
00:00 – Opening Statements
SAM: Hi! Before we sit down, I just want to be clear about what I’m looking for.
ALEX: Love that. Same. You go first.
SAM: Long-term, exclusive, eventually cohabiting. Open to a dog, but not a big one. A dog you could lift in an emergency. And someone to sort the paperwork when I go. I’m 38. I’ve started thinking about the paperwork.
ALEX: Great. Long-term, exclusive, no cohabiting for eighteen months. Cat person. And I’m not doing your death admin. I’d want that in the prenup.
SAM: Noted. Shall we sit?
ALEX: Let’s sit.
00:04 – Labels
SAM: How do you feel about labels?
ALEX: Pro-label. Three dates, “seeing each other”. Six, “dating”. Ten, we can discuss “partner”, but I’d want that in writing.
SAM: I usually move “partner” to date eight.
ALEX: I could meet you at nine.
SAM: Nine works. What’s your exit clause?
ALEX: Thirty days’ notice. Belongings returned in a labelled bag.
WAITER: Can I get you anything to drink?
SAM AND ALEX: Not yet, sorry, we’re mid-framework.
“Long-term, exclusive, and a dog you could lift in an emergency.”
00:11 – Dealbreakers
ALEX: Dealbreakers. Mine: smoking, rudeness to waiters, and people who say “I’m not really a texter”.
SAM: I’m not really a… I’m a moderate texter.
ALEX: Thank you for flagging. I’ll be monitoring that.
SAM: Mine: people who clap when the plane lands, and anyone with more than one podcast.
ALEX: I have one podcast.
SAM: One is fine. One is a hobby. Two is a personality. Three is a cry for help nobody’s downloading.
00:19 – Status-Flexing
ALEX: I should mention: I’m emotionally available, I’ve done the work, and I’ve been single for fourteen months by choice.
SAM: Same. Sixteen months. Also by choice. The choice was made by the other person, but I’ve had sixteen months to come round to it, and I’m nearly there.
ALEX: That’s very honest.
SAM: I’m clear-coding. They’re engaged now. Is that clear enough?
00:26 – The Waiter Returns
WAITER: Ready to order?
ALEX: To be transparent with you: we may only stay for one drink, but we’re open to a second, depending on the next ten minutes.
WAITER: I only need to know red or white.
SAM: We’d like to be honest with you about that too. We haven’t decided.
WAITER: The kitchen closes in eleven minutes. Is that clear enough for everyone?
00:41 – Closing Statements
ALEX: So. I’ve had a nice time and I’d like to see you again. I’m not playing it cool. I’ll text you tonight.
SAM: Same. I’ll reply within the hour, unless I’m asleep, in which case first thing.
ALEX: Perfect.
SAM: Perfect.
[A pause.]
ALEX: Do you want to just… kiss now, or should we schedule it?
SAM: I think we’ve earned a little ambiguity.
[Neither moves. The bill arrives unprompted. The waiter, single for six years, has written his number on the back. It is unclear for whom. Alex texts that night, as promised. Sam replies within the hour, as promised: “Thanks for being so clear. I’ll be clear too. No.” Both rate the experience highly. Neither has been on a date since. They are both, by choice, extremely clear.]