LOCAL MAN FINALLY CLEANS ROOM AFTER LOSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT, FINDS MOSTLY EVIDENCE OF WASTED YEARS AREA MAN’S “QUICK QUESTION” ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE’S YOUTH DECLARED LOST 5 hours per week is spent by the average professional nodding on video calls with the sound off. So is everyone else on the call. Nobody has heard a word since 2020. MAN OPENS LINKEDIN FOR FIVE MINUTES, QUESTIONS ENTIRE CAREER, CORRECTLY LANDLORD DESCRIBES DAMP CUPBOARD AS “COSY STUDIO WITH CHARACTER,” RAISES RENT ON IT TWICE 6.4 times, on average, a person checks the oven is off before a holiday. The holiday lasts a week. The checking lasts the rest of their life. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO 31% of people have kept a bad haircut rather than make it awkward with the hairdresser. The hairdresser knew. The hairdresser always knows. 9 is the average number of times a person types "speak to an agent" before the bot asks them to rate their experience. Average number of agents remaining: 0. COMPANY’S “FULLY OPTIONAL” OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS LOCAL MAN FINALLY CLEANS ROOM AFTER LOSING SOMETHING IMPORTANT, FINDS MOSTLY EVIDENCE OF WASTED YEARS AREA MAN’S “QUICK QUESTION” ENTERS FOURTH HOUR; COLLEAGUE’S YOUTH DECLARED LOST 5 hours per week is spent by the average professional nodding on video calls with the sound off. So is everyone else on the call. Nobody has heard a word since 2020. MAN OPENS LINKEDIN FOR FIVE MINUTES, QUESTIONS ENTIRE CAREER, CORRECTLY LANDLORD DESCRIBES DAMP CUPBOARD AS “COSY STUDIO WITH CHARACTER,” RAISES RENT ON IT TWICE 6.4 times, on average, a person checks the oven is off before a holiday. The holiday lasts a week. The checking lasts the rest of their life. WOMAN’S HOUSEPLANT OUTLIVES THIRD NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTION, EXPECTED TO OUTLIVE HER TOO 31% of people have kept a bad haircut rather than make it awkward with the hairdresser. The hairdresser knew. The hairdresser always knows. 9 is the average number of times a person types "speak to an agent" before the bot asks them to rate their experience. Average number of agents remaining: 0. COMPANY’S “FULLY OPTIONAL” OFFICE DAYS NOW INCLUDE ALTERNATE SATURDAYS AND STAFF MEMORIALS