Every office runs on two languages. The first is English. The second is used in meetings, emails and any sentence beginning “Going forward”. Nobody teaches it. You absorb it slowly, like damp, until one day you hear yourself say “let’s take this offline” to your own mother.
After years of fieldwork, the Corporate Sadist desk has compiled this glossary. Print it. Laminate it. It will outlast your contract.
A–C
Action item (n.) — A task wearing a lanyard. Assigned to whoever left the call first, or whoever is leaving the company next.
Alignment (n.) — Everyone agreeing in the meeting and disagreeing in the corridor, then agreeing again when the redundancy list comes out.
As per my last email (phr.) — “I told you this already, and now I’m saying it in front of witnesses.” The corporate equivalent of removing one’s earrings before a fight. HR has been cc’d. HR is the fight.
Bandwidth (n.) — Once described internet speed. Now describes how many more things you can be given before you lie down on the carpet and are quietly replaced by a cheaper carpet. “I don’t have the bandwidth” means “no”. Your manager hears “please give this to someone who’ll do it for less”.
Circle back (v.) — To never discuss again. A promise honoured as often as “let’s get coffee sometime” and “we’ll keep your CV on file”.
“Let’s circle back on that” is how ideas are placed into witness protection. Most are never seen again.
Culture (n.) — Company values printed near the kitchen. “Bold.” “Human.” “Together.” Also free fruit, gone by 9:14am, which is the only honest thing on that wall.
D–H
Deep dive (n.) — A normal meeting, but longer, and someone has made a spreadsheet that proves your team is overstaffed.
Deliverables (n.) — Things. Serious things. The things you’ll be judged on, by someone who doesn’t know what they are.
Do more with less (phr.) — Somebody left and won’t be replaced. Congratulations on your second job. The salary for it went to a consultant who said “do more with less”.
Exciting opportunity (n.) — Extra work. A “stretch opportunity” is extra work nobody knows how to do, so it can be your fault.
Flag (v.) — To mention a problem early enough that it becomes someone else’s problem. “Just flagging” is the first line of every disaster later renamed “a learning” and pinned on the newest hire.
Going forward (adv.) — “You did this wrong. It’s in your file now.”
Hard stop (n.) — The time someone claims they must leave. Followed by staying another twenty minutes, softly, the way you’ll stay at this company long after it stopped loving you.
I–O
Ideate (v.) — To think, but with sticky notes, which will be in a bin by four.
Learnings (n.) — Mistakes that have been to a spa. Somebody else’s mistakes. Your consequences.
Let’s take this offline (phr.) — “Stop talking in front of the people who decide your salary.”
Low-hanging fruit (n.) — The easy tasks. Identified with enthusiasm. Never picked. Over time, low-hanging compost, then a slide about “missed opportunities” with your initials on it.
Moving the needle (phr.) — Making a measurable difference. Nobody has seen the needle. There is no needle. There is only a man in Finance who decides whether you moved it.
Onboarding (n.) — Two weeks of forty logins, three slide decks and the phone number of someone who left in 2021. You will be offboarded faster. Offboarding takes eleven minutes and a lanyard in a tray.
“Learnings” are just mistakes that have been to a spa. Yours never get the spa.
P–S
Per our conversation (phr.) — “I’m writing down what you said so it can be used against you.”
Pivot (v.) — To abandon a plan with confidence and a press release.
Quick question (n.) — Not quick. Not a question. Your weekend.
Quick sync (n.) — A meeting that lasts an hour and could have been an emoji. The emoji would have been more decisive.
Reach out (v.) — To email, with the emotional overtones of a hug from a bailiff.
Restructure (n.) — Update your CV. Quietly. At lunch. Your manager updated his last month.
Synergy (n.) — A word undefined since the 1990s but still fired, like an old cannon, at off-sites. Usually right before two teams become one team and half a team.
T–Z
Take it to the next level (phr.) — The same thing, with a new slide template and fewer people.
Thoughts? (n.) — The last word of an email from someone who has already decided and wants your agreement in writing, for the inquiry.
Touch base (v.) — To have a meeting about whether a meeting is needed. It is. It always is. That’s the job now.
Transparent (adj.) — Said by management just before announcing something they’ve known for six months and you’d have liked to know before signing that lease.
Unpack (v.) — To spend forty minutes on one sentence. Never applies to the suitcase in your hallway since the holiday you were emailed on.
Value add (n.) — The reason you are still employed. Must be proven annually in a form with a drop-down menu. The drop-down has no option for “I’m the one who knows where everything is”.
Win-win (n.) — The company wins, and you win the chance to watch.
Zoom fatigue (n.) — The tiredness that comes from staring at your own face for six hours and watching it age in real time, in HD, on company bandwidth.
Usage Note
Linguists predict that within a decade the average office email will contain no information at all, only phrases from this list in a pleasing order. Early adopters are already there:
“Hi all, just reaching out to circle back on the deep dive. Going forward, let’s align offline and ideate some low-hanging learnings. Thoughts?”
Nobody understood it. Four people replied “Sounds great!” One of them was a bot. Nobody noticed. That’s your replacement.