Congratulations on your upcoming in-law visit. Please read all instructions before first use. Do not leave this manual on the kitchen counter where it will be found and quoted back to you every Christmas until you die.
Section 1: Preparing the Unit
- Clean the house to a standard you have never once achieved for yourself. You were never worth the effort. They are.
- Locate the “good towels.” They have been in a cupboard since your wedding. They have never touched a human. They will outlast you.
- Remove all evidence that you eat cereal for dinner. They know. They have always known.
- Hide the novelty mug your partner’s father once called “interesting.” It was not a compliment. It was a verdict.
Section 2: Arrival
The in-laws will arrive either 40 minutes early or exactly on time while announcing the traffic. Both are tests. You have failed both.
Upon entry, they will say “oh, you’ve changed it” about something you have not changed. Agree. You cannot win a dispute about your own hallway.
An in-law visit is a home inspection where the inspector also wants a biscuit, and has already decided you failed.
Section 3: Normal Operating Noises
- “We don’t want to be any trouble.” Decorative. Trouble is the main course.
- “Is that how you do it? Lovely.” Not a question. A review. One star.
- “Are you warm enough in here?” They are cold. The other side of the family will hear about it. See also: every marriage.
Section 4: Troubleshooting
Problem: Mother-in-law is reloading your dishwasher.
Solution: Allow it. She is right. Your bowls have been facing the wrong way for eleven years, and she has told everyone.
Problem: Father-in-law is explaining your boiler to you.
Solution: Nod. He will fix it. He will mention it at every family gathering until it makes his eulogy.
Section 5: Departure
On the final day, they will leave a casserole, a tin of biscuits and a crisp twenty “for the kids,” even if you do not have kids. Accept all three. Refusal will be discussed in the car.
As the car pulls away, you will feel a strange emptiness. That is not love. That is adrenaline leaving. They raised the person you love, and they remain convinced they did a better job of it than you are doing.
Put the good towels back. The next time they come out, it will be for a wake.