Please read the following terms carefully. By continuing to exist in the same house as a teenager, you, the Parent, confirm you have read and accepted them. You have not. Nobody has. Scroll to the bottom and tick the box.
1. Definitions
“Parent” means you, a person who was once considered funny, briefly, in 2009. “Teenager” means the person who lives in their bedroom and emerges to look in the fridge with the disappointment usually reserved for you. “Embarrassing” means anything you do, including breathing in a nearby postcode.
2. Transport Obligations
2.1 The Parent shall provide lifts at short notice, typically at 10:47pm.
2.2 The Parent shall park around the corner, not outside.
2.3 The Parent shall not sing in the car when friends are present. Humming is under review. Breathing is on a final warning.
3. Communication
3.1 The Parent may send messages. The Teenager may reply with “k.”
3.2 The Parent agrees not to use slang. Every time the Parent says something is “giving,” a small part of the Teenager leaves the body, and the Parent’s dignity follows it out.
When they’re small you’re their whole world. When they’re fifteen you’re a taxi with feelings and no tips.
4. Food Supply
4.1 The Parent shall provide snacks indefinitely, despite having done a full shop on Saturday at a cost resembling rent.
4.2 The Parent accepts the full shop will be gone by Sunday.
5. Exceptions
5.1 The above terms are suspended when the Teenager is ill, sad, or has had a bad day.
5.2 In these cases, the Teenager may appear in the kitchen at 11pm and talk for forty-five minutes about everything. The Parent must not move, comment, or mention that this is lovely. Any sudden movement terminates the offer for six to eight months.
6. Final Provisions
This agreement is temporary. One day the Teenager will move out, taking the good towels. The bedroom will stay exactly as it was, like a museum with one visitor. They may ring at twenty-five, just to chat. They will mostly ring about forms.
☑ I agree. I’ve always agreed. Get in the car. I’ll park round the corner. I’ll be parking round the corner for the rest of my life.