Welcome to tonight’s coverage from the Double Bed Arena, where conditions are mild, the pillow is firm, and our competitor, Local Man (41), is about to attempt eight consecutive hours of lying down. His body has not agreed to this.
First Half
22:47. Local Man takes the field. Brief stretch. Says “ooh” while sitting down. A warning sign the medical team chose to ignore, as they will for the next thirty years.
23:15. Asleep. Textbook start. On his back, arms by sides, like a knight on a tomb. Early rehearsal.
01:30. Rolls onto front. One arm under the pillow, one leg at an angle the human body stopped approving in 2009. The crowd winces.
Half-Time Analysis
Experts are concerned. “He’s gone for the twisted-flamingo,” said one pundit. “At his age? Reckless. In his twenties he’d have walked it off. Now he’ll be walking it off for the rest of his life.”
In your twenties you sleep on a floor and wake up fine. In your forties you sleep on a mattress that cost a month’s wages and wake up needing a physio you can’t see until spring.
Second Half
03:12. Wakes for the toilet. Walks like a man crossing a frozen lake that is also his own spine. Returns safely. Barely.
04:40. Turns over. Something in the lower back makes a noise like bubble wrap. He does not wake. The damage is permanent. Nobody tells him.
Full Time
07:00. Alarm. Local Man attempts to sit up. Cannot. Attempts to roll out sideways. Succeeds, partially, like a seal leaving a rock it will never return to.
Post-match, he can turn his head right but not left. He spends the day viewing the world over one shoulder, like a suspicious pigeon with a mortgage.
Post-Match Interview
Asked what happened, he said: “I don’t know. I just slept. I was literally doing nothing.” This is the tragedy. He was injured by resting. His body now treats doing nothing as a contact sport.
Medical staff recommend a hot water bottle, two days of saying “it’s my back” to dodge chores, and a pillow designed by scientists who will also, eventually, wake up like this.
Next fixture: tomorrow night. Same venue. The season runs until the body says otherwise. The body is already saying otherwise.