Modern workplaces don’t measure output. They measure vibes. Specifically, the vibe of someone who is very busy, slightly stressed and cannot possibly take on that new thing, which will be given to them anyway.
The vibe can be manufactured. Below are eight techniques, rated for difficulty and risk. None of them will save you. They’ll just make the wait more comfortable.
Hard work pays off eventually. Looking like you’re working pays off by Friday. Neither pays off in the restructure.
1. The Purposeful Walk
Difficulty: Beginner. Risk: Low.
Pick up a single sheet of paper. Walk briskly across the office with a slight frown, as if it contains bad news about a supplier. Nobody stops a person holding paper. Paper means something has gone wrong, and nobody wants their name near something going wrong.
Advanced users do a full lap of the building and return with the same sheet. This is called “following up”. Your manager has done it for eleven years. That’s how he became your manager.
2. The Laptop Carry
Difficulty: Beginner. Risk: Low.
Never walk anywhere without your laptop open, held in front of you like a waiter carrying soup. It says you’re between meetings, the most important place in any company. Being between meetings is better than being in one. Nobody can ask you to present. Nobody can ask what you actually do.
3. The Spreadsheet Wall
Difficulty: Intermediate. Risk: Medium.
Keep a spreadsheet on screen at all times. 4,000 rows, several colours. Nobody knows what it is. You don’t know what it is. It was sent to you in 2022 with the subject line “FYI” by a man who has since left. It is the closest thing you have to a pension.
When someone approaches, scroll horizontally. Horizontal scrolling is the international sign for “deep in the numbers, do not ask about the numbers”.
4. The Strategic Sigh
Difficulty: Intermediate. Risk: Low.
A well-timed sigh does more for your reputation than a finished project. Deploy it as your manager walks past. Just enough to suggest a burden the organisation will never understand. The organisation doesn’t want to understand. It wants to know if you can cover Gary’s accounts as well.
5. The Calendar Fortress
Difficulty: Intermediate. Risk: Medium.
Block out your calendar with “Deep Work”, “Alignment” and “Hold”. Nobody questions a hold. A hold implies something important is coming. Nothing is coming. You’re having a sandwich.
Too many holds and someone asks what you’re holding for. Say “pending sign-off”. From whom? Exactly. Nobody in this building has signed anything off since the merger.
6. The Late-Night Email
Difficulty: Advanced. Risk: High.
Write a harmless email at 3pm. “Just flagging this, will revisit.” Schedule it for 11:47pm. Next morning, colleagues will assume you’re a machine. They’ll say “you’re always on”. You’ll say “someone has to be”, having slept nine hours.
Be careful. The company now believes you work at 11:47pm. It will start expecting you to. It will not start paying you to.
7. The Headphones Without Music
Difficulty: Beginner. Risk: Low.
Large headphones are a do-not-disturb sign you can wear. Play nothing. Silence lets you hear every bit of office gossip, including, eventually, the bit about you.
8. The Status Update That Says Nothing
Difficulty: Expert. Risk: Variable.
When asked for an update: “Making good progress, a few dependencies to work through, should have more clarity by end of week.” This sentence has been used in every office since offices. It has never contained information. It is also what the board says to shareholders, which is why you’ll never be on the board.
If pushed, say “I’ll put something in writing.” Then don’t. Writing things down is how people find out.
A Note of Caution
Look busy for long enough and people assume you’re excellent. Then they promote you. Then you manage people pretending to be busy, and you recognise every single move.
Then one day a consultant arrives with a laptop held like soup. He’s looking busy too. He’s looking at you. He’s the restructure.