Thank you for choosing an open-plan office. Or rather, thank you for having it chosen for you by someone with a private room on the fourth floor and a door he closes when he laughs. Please read these instructions before use.
Section 1: Getting Started
- Locate a desk. Do not get attached. Under hot-desking, the desk belongs to whoever arrived at 7:40am, and that is always Martin. Martin is what you’re becoming.
- Install your headphones. They are the only remaining wall. They signal “do not disturb”, which colleagues read as “tap me on the shoulder gently, then harder”.
- Adjust your chair. The chair will not adjust. The lever is ornamental. Your lower back will file a complaint in about nine years, and it will be upheld.
Section 2: Acoustics
The space has been designed to carry every sound to every person at equal volume. Phone calls. Crisp packets. Mechanical keyboard enthusiasts. One man humming the same four notes since the Christmas before last. Nobody knows the song. Nobody will ever know the song.
We removed the walls to encourage collaboration. Now everyone collaborates on hearing Steve’s mortgage get declined.
Section 3: Concentration
Deep focus is supported in our dedicated Focus Pods. There are two Focus Pods for 300 staff. Both are in use for a video call about Focus Pods.
Section 4: Food
Hot food may be eaten at your desk. Fish may also be eaten at your desk. This is not a rule. It is a warning. See the Kitchen Fridge Annex (laminated, 2017, unread, slowly growing a culture of its own).
Section 5: Troubleshooting
- I can’t hear myself think. Known feature. Your thoughts were not on the roadmap.
- Someone is standing behind me. A “walk-by”. It is how managers check you’re working, and how they choose who’s next. Look busy at an angle.
- I want to work from home. See Section 6, which has been removed, along with the people who asked about it.