How to Get Your Life Together (Or Look Like It in Low Light)

“Getting your life together” means buying things that look like a person who has their life together. I respect this. It’s much quicker than the alternative, which involves change, and change has never once been on sale.

The good news: nobody else has their life together either. They have better lighting. Behind every tidy kitchen photo is a chair buried in clothes, waiting to become a wardrobe, then an heirloom.

You’ll get your life together at roughly the same time it ends. The timing is very tight.

So let’s make you look organised. Being organised can come later, or never, which is the more popular option.

1. STEP 1Buy a nice notebook.
2. STEP 2Write "New Me" on the first page.
3. STEP 3Buy a plant.
4. STEP 4Buy a second notebook because you ruined the first one with a bad pen.
5. STEP 5Make one green smoothie.
6. STEP 6Post the smoothie.
7. STEP 7Order pizza.
8. STEP 8Watch the plant wither slowly by the window, judging you the entire time.