How to Make Friends as an Adult (Statistically, You Won’t)

As a child you could make a best friend in eleven seconds by both liking dinosaurs. As an adult, the same process takes four years and requires two people to have a free Thursday at the same time, which statisticians describe as “not in this lifetime.”

Experts say the trick is to keep showing up to the same place. I agree. I’ve shown up to the same place for years. It’s my sofa. Nobody new has arrived.

Your friend count peaked at nineteen. It’s been a managed decline ever since.

1. STEP 1Join a class to "meet new people."
2. STEP 2Sit near someone who seems normal.
3. STEP 3Talk about the weather for six consecutive weeks.
4. STEP 4Agree to "grab a coffee sometime."
5. STEP 5Never grab the coffee.
6. STEP 6See them in a supermarket in 2029.
7. STEP 7Hide behind the cereal.
8. STEP 8Realise, in the cereal aisle, that this is how most of your friendships will end.