How to Win an Argument (Alone, Years Later)

Nobody has ever changed their mind during an argument. They change it three weeks later, alone, and then tell you it was their idea.

Knowing this, the smart move is to stop trying to win in real time. Real time is for amateurs and people with fast mouths. The rest of us do our finest work in private, with excellent water pressure and no witnesses.

Forty-one wins. Zero losses. The other person was present for none of them.

Follow the method below and you, too, can be undefeated in rooms nobody else is in.

1. STEP 1Gather facts, statistics and a calm, reasonable tone.
2. STEP 2Present them clearly.
3. STEP 3Watch the other person not care, visibly, while checking their phone.
4. STEP 4Leave the room with your dignity, which nobody asked about.
5. STEP 5Think of the perfect comeback in the shower four days later.
6. STEP 6Say it out loud to the shampoo.
7. STEP 7Carry it around for eleven years, waiting for the topic to come up again.
8. STEP 8It comes up at their retirement do. You've forgotten the comeback.