Every dating profile is written in a local dialect. It looks like English. It is not English. It is a heavily filtered cousin of English that has never once been asked to provide evidence.
I have spent an unforgivable number of evenings decoding it. Evenings from a supply that is running out. Here is the phrasebook.
The Lifestyle Section
“Love to travel.” Went to Portugal once in 2019. Has been living off the custard tarts emotionally ever since.
“Foodie.” Eats food. Like everyone. Including you, alone, over the sink.
“Gym rat.” Pays monthly for a building they visit annually. Like a grave.
“Work hard, play hard.” Works hard for a company that would replace them by Thursday. Plays a phone game on the bus.
“Spontaneous.” Once left the house without checking the weather. Still talks about it.
The Personality Section
“Fluent in sarcasm.” Has no other language. Will answer “I love you” with “wow, thanks”.
“Looking for my partner in crime.” Looking for someone to split a starter with. The crime is the starter. The sentence is life.
“I’m an open book.” The book is long. The plot is their ex. You will be read every chapter on the first date.
“Here for a good time, not a long time.” Has already named your future dog. Has already decided who keeps it.
A dating bio is a cover letter for a job nobody is qualified for, written by an applicant who will also be let go.
The Requirements Section
“Must love dogs.” The dog approved this message. The dog will also outrank you in the will.
“6ft minimum.” A height requirement, like a rollercoaster. Fitting. It also ends with someone screaming.
“No drama.” Contains a well-organised filing cabinet of drama, colour-coded by ex.
“Just ask.” Wrote nothing. You will now write both halves of the conversation, which is excellent practice for the relationship.
A Final Word
My own bio once said “enjoys long walks,” which was technically true, because I had missed the bus. The bus has been more reliable than anyone I matched with.
We are all doing the same thing: compressing a whole disappointing human into 300 characters and three photos, one of which is at someone else’s wedding. That is not lying. That is marketing a product with no roadmap and a shrinking user base.
Swipe carefully. Everyone is a beta version. Most will never ship.