Let me be clear. I was not looking. I was simply scrolling, and my thumb slipped, and then slipped again, forty-one times, across three years of somebody’s holiday photos, at 1:14am, on a work night.
That is how I met my ex’s new partner. Not in person. In a much worse way: through a lake.
What I Wanted
I wanted them to be awful. Not dangerous. Just mildly awful. Someone who claps when the plane lands. Someone who says “irregardless.” Someone who owns a T-shirt with a wolf on it, unironically, and wears it to brunch.
I wanted to close the app and say, out loud, to nobody, “Well. Good luck to them.” In that voice. The voice of someone who is fine.
What I Got
They seem lovely.
They run. Not competitively. Happily, which is worse. They have a rescue dog who looks delighted in every photo, including all the ones I am not in, which is all of them. They have a nice laugh. I know because there is a video. I watched it three times. I am not proud. I am thorough.
In one picture they are helping an elderly neighbour carry a garden chair. In another, they are holding a baby that isn’t theirs, correctly. In a third, my ex is smiling in a way I never once managed to cause.
The cruellest thing your ex can do after a breakup is date someone who is genuinely nice.
The Five Minutes of Feelings
Jealousy. Indignation. A sudden urge to take up running, which lasted until I looked for my trainers. A strong suspicion the dog was a paid actor.
Then I waited for the mature bit. The relief. The “I’m just glad they’re happy.” It did not come. It is still not here. It is avoiding my calls, like everyone else.
The Mature Conclusion
We weren’t right for each other. They worked that out first. Then they found someone who was right for them within a single financial quarter. I am still working it out, and I have the browser history to prove it.
So, to my ex’s new partner, wherever you are, presumably jogging: well done. You seem kind. I resent it completely. I expect to be over it shortly after the heat death of the universe.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to mute this account and become someone who also seems nice in photos. Starting tomorrow. I said that last year.