It happens gradually, then all at once. One day you’re a young person with opinions about music. The next, you’re in a kitchen holding a tea towel, saying “right then” to nobody, and nobody answers. Take this quiz to confirm what your posture already knows.
Section 1: Around the House
One point for each statement that is true. Lying costs two.
- When the doorbell goes, you say “who’s that?” out loud, as though somebody in the room might know.
- You have a favourite knife. Others may not use it. You’ve drafted the speech.
- You’ve turned off a light in a room someone was still sitting in.
- You own a drawer of batteries, string, three keys to nothing and a takeaway menu from a restaurant that closed in 2015. One day someone will empty that drawer into a bin bag without reading any of it.
- You’ve said “shut the door, we’re not heating the street,” and meant it as policy.
Section 2: Out and About
- You arrive at the airport three hours early and call it “cutting it fine.”
- You’ve said “it’s a lot of money for a sandwich” in a shop, at full volume, to the person who made it.
- You park miles from the entrance, on purpose, “because it’s easier to get out.”
- You make a sound when sitting down. And when standing up. And, lately, when nothing is happening at all.
You spend twenty years swearing you will never become your parents, and then one day you hear yourself say “it’s not a hotel, you know” to a houseguest, and it’s too late to take it back.
Section 3: The Big Ones
- You enjoy a garden centre. Not ironically. You went for a day out. You had the scone. You compared it to a previous scone.
- You watch the weather forecast, then go outside to check its work.
- You said “I’ll just rest my eyes” and woke up during the end credits of a different programme.
Your Results
0-3 points: You are still young, or lying. Give it four years.
4-8 points: The transformation is underway. Resistance is possible, but you’re too tired for it.
9-12 points: Congratulations. You are your parents. Ring them. Tell them. They’ll be delighted to finally be right about something.
And note the schedule. They became their parents. You became them. Your kids will take this quiz about you, laughing, holding the favourite knife. The next stage is a framed photo on the sideboard that everybody dusts around.