Dear Kyle,
Thank you for your message. You said you “came across my profile and immediately thought of me” for an exciting opportunity. I was moved. Nobody immediately thinks of me. My own mother needs a run-up.
On the Role
You described the position as “Senior Java Architect”. I am a marketing coordinator. I have never written code. I once changed the font in a PowerPoint template and the whole template gave up. You called me “a great fit”. You were thinking of a different me. A more successful one. The one who didn’t pick that degree.
The role is based in Rotterdam. I live in Leeds. You said relocation is “flexible”. I am not. I am 38 and my knees have opinions.
“I came across your profile” is the recruiting version of a stranger at a bus stop saying “you look like someone who’d buy a timeshare”. He’s right. That’s the worst part.
On the Salary
I asked about the salary. You said “competitive and dependent on experience”. I asked what that meant. You offered to “jump on a quick call”. The salary is always revealed after the quick call, the way a will is always read after the funeral. By then it is too late to object.
On the Follow-Up
I did not reply for three days. You sent “Just bumping this to the top of your inbox!” Then “Hi again!” Then a single thumbs-up emoji, which is what the last man I ignored sent before I learned he’d become my line manager.
In Conclusion
I must decline. But I appreciate you, Kyle. You are the only person who messages me with this much enthusiasm. My friends do not. My manager does not. My dentist does, but only about the invoice, and the molar.
Please keep me in mind for future opportunities. Ideally in Leeds. Ideally ones I can do. I accept that this list is empty.
Warm regards,
A Perfect Fit (for nothing in particular)