Job adverts are written in a language that looks like English and has the warmth of a ransom note. Keep this glossary beside you during your search. Frame it. It’s the only thing on your wall that won’t lie to you.
A to F
- Competitive salary: We won’t say what it is. It’s competitive in that you’ll compete with it for rent, and lose.
- Dynamic environment: The org chart was redrawn twice while we wrote this advert. Both times, the person who wrote the advert was removed.
- Entry level, 5 years’ experience required: A paradox with a pension you’ll never reach.
- Fast-paced: Understaffed. Everyone walks fast because they’re fleeing something, usually the person you’re replacing.
“Wears many hats” means the company could only afford one head, and it’s yours.
G to S
- Good sense of humour: Not a perk. A survival requirement. The last person didn’t have one.
- Hit the ground running: No training. No handover. Your predecessor left a sticky note that says “good luck” and a mug nobody will touch.
- Like a family: Someone here shouts, and nobody is allowed to mention it at dinner.
- Ownership mindset: All the responsibility of owning the company. None of the shares. All of the blame.
- Self-starter: Your manager is never seen. Rumour says he lives in an airport lounge, on your bonus.
T to Z
- Thrives under pressure: We have a deadline Friday. It was set last Friday. It was missed last Friday.
- Unlimited holiday: Nobody has taken a day since it was introduced. Several have asked. Their requests are still “under review”, like their careers.
- Various other duties as required: The actual job. Everything above was decorative.
- Work hard, play hard: Work hard. “Play” is a ping-pong table in a corridor, unused since the photo shoot, slowly becoming a filing system.
Good luck with your applications. Remember, you’re applying to them, and in a sense they’re applying to you. The difference is they get to reject you by silence, and you’ll keep checking your inbox until spring.
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THIS?