How to Ask for a Raise and Get an Adjective

They say you don’t get what you deserve, you get what you negotiate. They’re right. Unfortunately, the people saying it are the ones you’re negotiating with.

Asking for a raise is one of the bravest things a person can do in an office, second only to microwaving fish. You walk in with data. You walk out with an adjective.

“Budgets are tight this year,” said the man whose bonus has its own accountant.

Here’s how to do it properly, so the disappointment is at least well-structured.

1. STEP 1Research industry salaries.
2. STEP 2Discover you're underpaid by a figure you won't recover from emotionally.
3. STEP 3Rehearse your pitch in the car, in a car park, for forty minutes.
4. STEP 4Book a meeting called "Quick chat."
5. STEP 5Hear "budgets are tight this year" from a man wearing a new watch.
6. STEP 6Accept a new job title instead.
7. STEP 7Tell people you're "Senior" now.
8. STEP 8Watch them advertise your old job at a higher salary.