Disclaimer: this is not financial advice. It is barely conversational advice. Zack once bought a coin named after a sandwich. The sandwich is now worth more. The sandwich was eaten in 2021.
There is a moment at every gathering when someone leans in and asks, “Are you in crypto?” in the tone people once reserved for door-to-door religion. You have two seconds to decide who you are. Choose fast. Your savings already chose. They chose wrong.
Q: What actually is crypto?
Nobody knows, including most of the people who own it and all of the people who sold it to them. The official answer involves a digital ledger, a network of computers and a lot of maths. The working answer is: “It’s money, but on the internet, but not like a bank, but somehow worse than a bank, which took effort.”
You don’t need to understand it. You need to sound like you used to not understand it, then had a breakthrough, then a second breakthrough, which was mostly a loss.
The secret to talking about crypto is to sound like you understood it in 2017 and lost it in 2018.
Q: What should I say when someone mentions it?
Memorise these. Rotate them. Never use more than two per conversation or someone will ask you to explain one, and your face will tell the truth your mouth won’t.
- “It’s still early.” (Correct in all situations, forever. It will still be early at your funeral.)
- “It’s more about the underlying technology, really.” (You do not know what the technology is. Neither does the technology.)
- “I’m mostly just holding at the moment.” (Holding what? A grudge. A screenshot. The bag.)
- “I don’t look at the charts day to day.” (True. You look at them hourly, in the dark, like a lighthouse keeper watching a shipwreck he paid for.)
- “Volatile week, eh?” (It is always a volatile week. The only stable thing in crypto is your losses.)
Q: What if they ask what I’m invested in?
Take a slow sip of your drink. Then say: “A bit of everything. I don’t like to put all my eggs in one blockchain.”
This sentence means nothing, but it sounds like it means something, which is the entire industry in one line.
If they press, lower your voice: “Some smaller projects. I’d rather not say until they’re public.” They will respect your discretion. They will never raise it again. Neither will the projects. The projects are now a website that says “Coming Soon” and has said it since spring.
Q: What is a wallet?
A wallet is where you keep your crypto. It is protected by twelve secret words you must store somewhere safe. Most people store them in a notes app titled “IMPORTANT DO NOT DELETE”, between a shopping list and a film idea that will also never make money.
The advanced approach is to write the words on paper and hide it so well you never find it again. This is called “cold storage”. It is also where your money now lives, permanently, alongside your youth.
Q: What does “to the moon” mean?
It means the price will go up. The moon is used because it is far away, airless and nobody has visited in decades. Your initial investment fits that description exactly.
“To the moon” is a promise. “We’re in a correction phase” is the same promise, ten days later, from a man who has turned his profile photo private.
Q: What if someone uses a word I don’t know?
There are four universal responses that work for any crypto term, including ones that haven’t been invented yet to separate you from your money:
- “Oh, yeah, that’s interesting.” Neutral. Buys time. Sells dignity.
- “I have mixed feelings about that.” Sounds informed. Commits to nothing. Exactly like your portfolio.
- “Isn’t that a bit like what happened last cycle?” Everything is like last cycle. Last cycle, you lost money.
- “Depends on the use case.” The most powerful phrase in technology. Works for crypto, AI and toasters. Only the toaster has ever had one.
Q: How do I recognise a genuine crypto enthusiast?
They will tell you. Within four minutes. Usually before you’ve taken your coat off. Other signs: a profile photo of a cartoon ape they paid a car for, the phrase “have fun staying poor”, and checking a price during a wedding speech, then visibly aging.
Do not pity them. They have a plan. The plan is to find someone who understands less than they do. Tonight, that someone is you.
Q: How do I exit the conversation?
The safe exit is flattery: “You clearly know way more about this than me.” True, flattering, final. They will glow. You will leave to find the crisps. The crisps hold their value.
The emergency exit is to say, “Honestly, I’m more of an index fund person.” Nobody has ever followed up on this. It is the conversational equivalent of pulling the fire alarm in a building you already sold.
Q: Should I actually buy crypto?
Zack is not a financial advisor. Zack is a man who spent forty minutes trying to understand a “gas fee” and then paid more in fees than the thing he was buying. Talk to an actual professional. Or anyone who has seen a chart and lived.
In the meantime, you’re ready for the party. Nod slowly. Say “still early”. Hold your drink like a long-term position. It is the only asset in the room still going up: the bar tab.