How to Start Going to the Gym (And Keep Paying for It)

Every January, gyms fill with people who are absolutely, definitely changing this year. Every February, those gyms are back to the same eight men who have been there since 1997 and intend to be there for the heat death of the universe.

I don’t judge. Joining a gym is a beautiful act of optimism. You’re paying a monthly fee to a version of yourself with more energy, more time and fewer opinions about rain. That person doesn’t exist. The direct debit does.

The gym’s business model depends on you not coming. You are, technically, their ideal customer.

Here’s the route most fitness journeys take. The scenery is mostly the car park.

1. STEP 1Sign up for a 12-month membership in January.
2. STEP 2Buy matching workout clothes.
3. STEP 3Go three times.
4. STEP 4Wear the clothes everywhere except the gym.
5. STEP 5Receive the annual renewal email.
6. STEP 6Try to cancel.
7. STEP 7Discover cancelling requires a letter, in person, during a solar eclipse, witnessed by a solicitor.
8. STEP 8Keep paying. Your executor will cancel it.