GREAT MUDSWORTH —
A new report has found that the average “five-minute” scrolling break now lasts 2 hours and 4 minutes, longer than most GCSE exams.
Researchers at the Great Mudsworth Institute of Attention followed 600 students and young workers who announced they were taking “just five minutes” on their phones. Fewer than 3% returned within ten minutes.
The longest break recorded lasted 4 hours and 11 minutes. The participant, a 19-year-old called Marcus, told researchers he had started by watching a cat fall off a sofa and ended by learning how bridges are built in Norway. “I don’t know how I got there,” he said. “I know a lot about Norway now.”
“The five-minute break is now a unit of hope, not time,” said lead researcher Dr Clara Voss. “People genuinely mean it. Then the videos are short, so it doesn’t feel like time is passing. It feels like nothing. Then it’s dark outside.”
The report recommends setting a timer, leaving the phone in another room while studying and, if all else fails, “taking breaks that involve standing up.”
Several participants said they planned to put the advice into practice “after five more minutes.”
At press time, the report itself had gone viral as a video, and the research team had lost an afternoon watching the comments.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.