SOUTH BLENKINSOP —
A first-year student at the University of South Blenkinsop visited the campus library for the first time this week, described it as “basically a free café without coffee,” and left after six minutes.
Kian Rudd, 19, said he had heard the library was “a vibe for studying” and went in “to romanticise it a bit.” He brought a candle, which was confiscated at the door.
“It was so quiet,” Rudd said. “Like, uncomfortably quiet. You can hear your own thoughts. Nobody warned me about that.” He said the building had “a lot of books for one place” and “not a single oat latte.”
Library staff confirmed the visit. “He sat down, took a photo of a stack of books with fairy lights in the background, and went to the café across the road,” said librarian Margaret Ellwood, 61. “The fairy lights were his. He brought those as well.”
Rudd posted the photo with the caption “locked in this week.” It received 212 likes, the most he has ever received for an image of a building he was no longer inside.
A university spokesperson said the library is open 24 hours a day, has free Wi-Fi and plug sockets, and is “honestly lovely.” They added that coffee is not allowed “because of the books.”
At press time, Rudd was studying in the café, which was playing music at a volume he described as “perfect for focus.”
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.