UPPER WIDDLECOMBE —
An Upper Widdlecombe woman announced on Tuesday morning that she was “entering her villain era,” then held a door open for a stranger less than ninety seconds later.
Sophie Anstruther, 23, made the announcement on her Story at 8:12am alongside a black-and-white selfie and a song with a lot of bass. “No more Miss Nice,” the caption read. “Protecting my peace. Taking no prisoners.”
At 8:13am she arrived at the Widdlecombe Co-op, saw a man carrying two bags and a pot plant, and held the door. She then apologised to him for “being in the way,” said “no worries at all,” and thanked him for saying thank you.
“It was instinct,” Anstruther told reporters. “Villains have reflexes too. I’ll be colder tomorrow. I’ve already started. I didn’t reply to a group chat for six minutes.”
Friends were supportive but unconvinced. “Last week’s villain era lasted until she found a ladybird on the bus and moved it to a safer seat,” said her friend Tilly.
Dr Rex Halloway of the Bureau of Personality Rebrands said “villain era” announcements had risen 900% this year, while actual villainy remained flat. “Mostly it means unfollowing someone and then feeling bad about it.”
At press time, Anstruther had returned a lukewarm coffee, apologised four times and left a tip.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.