GREAT MUDSWORTH —
A landmark study of 40,000 group chat messages has found that nine in ten messages beginning “quick question” are neither quick nor, in any meaningful sense, a question.
Researchers at the Great Mudsworth Centre for Digital Behaviour spent eight months reading group chats donated by volunteers, an experience the lead author described as “like being trapped in a lift with everyone you went to school with.”
The average “quick question” ran to 340 words, contained two voice notes and ended with a screenshot of a different conversation. Only 11% contained a question mark. Of those, most were rhetorical, such as “why is everyone like this?”
“We found ‘quick question’ is usually a polite way to begin a long story about yourself,” said Dr Anika Thorpe. “Our favourite example opened ‘quick q’ and then described a housemate’s cheese habits for six minutes. There was no question. There was only cheese.”
The study also found that “not to be dramatic but” preceded something dramatic 100% of the time, and that “no rush” meant “answer within four minutes or I will assume you hate me.”
Group chat members were asked how they feel when a quick question arrives. Most chose the option “I put my phone face down and went for a walk.”
At press time, the research team’s own group chat had received a message reading “quick question” and was not expected to recover before Christmas.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.