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SATIRE DESK / GAMES / KNOWN ISSUES: ALL OF THEM

PATCH NOTES

Roblox, Minecraft, GTA 6, Fortnite battle passes, Call of Duty updates, Steam sales and “just one more game”. The games industry, read like the patch notes it keeps sending you.

This is the desk for anyone who has paid £9.99 for a list of chores, pre-ordered a game for a cape, or watched an update download for longer than they got to play. Zack reads the patch notes so you don't have to. He has questions. Mostly about the shop.

FREE TOOL / NO MICROTRANSACTIONS (YET)PATCH NOTES FOR YOUR LIFEAnswer five questions. Get the official patch notes for your current version: what got nerfed, what got fixed, and what was quietly removed.INSTALL THE UPDATE →

PATCH NOTES / ARTICLES

LATEST PATCH NOTES

THE SADIST TIMES / GAMING

FROM THE SADIST TIMES / GAMING

  1. FORTNITE PLAYER FINISHES BATTLE PASS, FEELS SLIGHTLY LESS EMPTY FOR FOUR SECONDSTier 100 reached after 92 hours. The feeling lasted until the next season was announced.
  2. LOCAL MAN’S STEAM BACKLOG NOW LONGER THAN HIS REMAINING LIFE EXPECTANCYMan has bought 412 games in sales since 2015. He has finished nine. Actuaries describe the gap as “final”.

QUOTE FILE / GAMING

FROM THE GAMING FILE

  1. 01You pre-ordered it for the cape.The cape is now £3.99 for everyone else.
  2. 02Fortnite was free to play.It was not free to stop.
  3. 03“Just one more game” of FIFA was the most dishonest sentence in the English language.Then they renamed it. The sentence survived.
  4. 04The battle pass costs £9.99 a season.Your childhood cost nothing and had better rewards.
  5. 05You bought 41 games in the Steam sale.You will play two. The other 39 will outlive you.

ALL 5 GAMING QUOTES →

UNNECESSARY STATISTICS

FROM THE BUREAU OF UNFINISHED GAMES

61 years
is how long the average adult would need to play every game they bought in online sales. Most have about 46 left.Source: Bureau of Unfinished Games

All people and places are invented. The disappointment is real.