SOUTH BLENKINSOP —
A South Blenkinsop woman who describes herself as someone who “doesn’t do phone calls” received one on Wednesday morning and has since relocated to a new town.
Grace Whitlow, 22, was eating cereal when her phone began ringing with an unknown number. Witnesses say she stared at it “like it was a bear.” She did not answer.
“Who calls?” Whitlow said later. “In this economy? If it’s important, text. If it’s very important, voice note. If it’s life or death, a meme.” She said a ringing phone feels “like being shouted at by a robot that knows your name.”
The caller, it emerged, was her GP surgery, phoning to book a routine appointment. They followed up with a text, which Whitlow answered in four seconds.
By Wednesday afternoon, however, Whitlow had packed two bags and moved in with her cousin in North Blenkinsop. “It felt like a sign,” she said. “Fresh start. New postcode. Nobody has my number here. Well, everyone has my number. But it feels different.”
Communication expert Dr Jamal Hewitt said phone anxiety was common and manageable. “Practise with low-stakes calls, like a takeaway. Write down what you want to say. Remember that the person on the other end is usually just as eager to hang up as you are.”
At press time, Whitlow had received a second call from the same surgery and had begun looking at flats in Scotland.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.