NETHER STOWFIELD —
A new report has found that young people have largely abandoned miles and kilometres in favour of a more practical unit of distance: the song.
Researchers at the Nether Stowfield Institute of Getting Places surveyed 3,000 people aged 16 to 26 and found that 78% now describe journeys in songs. The local Tesco is “two songs away.” Work is “an album.” Visiting grandparents is “a podcast.”
“It’s more accurate,” said survey respondent Amira Clough, 20. “A mile can be anything. A song is three minutes. Unless it’s a long one. Then I’m late, but that’s on the artist.”
The system has caused confusion between generations. One father told researchers he asked his son how far the station was and was told “like four Taylor Swift songs or one Pink Floyd.” He has still not arrived.
Report author Dr Hugo Pembury said the trend reflected a wider shift. “People no longer think about how far away something is. They think about how long they’ll be alone with their headphones. Honestly, it’s a better question.”
Ordnance Survey declined to comment, although a source described the organisation as “quietly furious” and “still using metres like it’s 1830.”
At press time, the report’s authors had measured the distance to their next deadline at “three playlists and a breakdown.”
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.