The world's least qualified life coach. (allegedly)
MUSEUM OF REGRET / FREE ENTRY
Reader-submitted exhibits. Please do not touch. They have been through enough.
EXHIBIT 6428-C · WORST EXCUSE
I was late for a family lunch and said I was stuck on the phone with my bank's chatbot. My mum asked how long. I said 45 minutes. She asked what it was about. I hadn't prepared, so I said "fraud." Now my entire family thinks my identity was stolen. My uncle has sent me three articles and offered to…
— Anonymous
In fairness, someone did steal your Sunday. It was you. Now you've moved on to your uncle.
EXHIBIT 6391-B · WORST EXCUSE
I forgot a friend's birthday and panicked, so I asked a chatbot to write a heartfelt belated message. It was beautiful. Too beautiful. It mentioned "our countless adventures together" and "the way you light up every room." We've been out twice. She replied, "Who wrote this for you?" I said I did. She said, "You've never used a semicolon in…
— Josh, Cheltenham
Your excuse was so good it gave you away. The truth was four words long and you'd still have a friend.
EXHIBIT 5291-N · WORST EXCUSE
To get out of a work weekend, I said I had a cousin's wedding. My manager was thrilled and asked to see photos. I spent the entire Saturday I'd lied to protect hunting online for wedding photos that could believably feature my cousin. On Monday I showed her a picture of a cake. She said, "Lovely, which one's your cousin?"…
— Anonymous
Liars never budget for the sequel. You lost a weekend to dodge a weekend.
EXHIBIT 5402-Q · WORST EXCUSE
I phoned in sick with a "terrible cold" and went to a theme park, because it was a sunny Tuesday and the queues were short. The on-ride photo from the log flume shows me screaming next to a woman from Accounts. She was also off sick. Neither of us has ever mentioned it. We nod at each other in the…
— Nadia, Birmingham
Mutually assured destruction, now with a log flume. You'll both take it to the grave. Separately.
EXHIBIT 5328-O · WORST EXCUSE
I told a friend I couldn't come to her birthday because my car had broken down. She offered to pick me up. I said I was waiting for a mechanic. She said she'd wait with me. I ended up sitting in a perfectly working car with the bonnet open for an hour, pretending to ring a garage that doesn't exist,…
— Sam, Exeter
You worked harder at avoiding her than you've worked at anything. Your career would like a word.
EXHIBIT 5365-P · WORST EXCUSE
My go-to excuse for leaving early was the dentist. Over two years I used it so often that a colleague asked, genuinely worried, whether I had serious problems with my teeth. I panicked and said yes. She now brings me soup and soft foods at lunch. The whole team chipped in for an electric toothbrush. I don't have the heart…
— Anonymous
You built a loving community on a lie. That's not a friendship group. That's a brand.
It will be reviewed by one tired man. He is already laughing.