The world's least qualified life coach. (allegedly)
MUSEUM OF REGRET / FREE ENTRY
Reader-submitted exhibits. Please do not touch. They have been through enough.
EXHIBIT 6132-U · WORST PURCHASE
Everyone was doing 2016 throwbacks, so I bought a selfie stick, a pair of skinny jeans and a phone case with cat ears, to really commit. I went out on a Saturday to recreate an old photo at the same fountain. The jeans would not go above my knees. The fountain has been removed. Of the five people in the…
— Dan, Coventry
2016 wasn't the year you peaked. It was the year your jeans did, and they had the decency to stop there.
EXHIBIT 6095-T · WORST PURCHASE
It had been a rough week and I'd read one headline too many, so I bought a lamp that "simulates a Scandinavian sunrise" for $119. It arrived the next day. The sunrise is a sort of angry orange, it takes forty minutes, and the lamp hums the whole time. It doesn't calm me down. It does mean I wake up…
— Anonymous
Doom spending: the doom is real, the sunrise comes in a box, and the $119 isn't coming back either.
EXHIBIT 4625-V · WORST PURCHASE
I bought a bread maker because I'd convinced myself I was going to become someone who wakes up to fresh bread. It made one loaf. The loaf became a doorstop. The machine is still on the counter, because putting it away would mean admitting something. It has outlived my diet, my gym membership and my last relationship. I still buy…
— Marcus, Cardiff
It's not a failure. It's a headstone for the person you were going to be.
EXHIBIT 4551-T · WORST PURCHASE
In a burst of January energy, I bought a rowing machine. It arrived in four enormous boxes and took two days to build, mostly because I built it backwards the first time. I rowed for twelve minutes on day one and felt incredible. Six minutes on day two. That was fourteen months ago. It now holds three coats, a laundry…
— Anonymous
It's not a rowing machine. It's a payment plan with a coat hook.
EXHIBIT 4588-U · WORST PURCHASE
I needed one roll of parcel tape. The website said "bulk deal" and something in my brain decided this was a bargain. I ordered forty rolls. They arrived on a small pallet. Three years later I've used about one and a half. My partner calls the cupboard under the stairs "the tape situation". At my current rate I'll die with…
— Hannah, Norwich
You've bought enough tape to seal your own estate. At least the admin's covered.
EXHIBIT 4662-W · WORST PURCHASE
I bought festival tickets the second they went on sale, which I was very proud of. I booked the time off and bought a tent. It was only when I went to download the tickets that I realised I'd bought them for the following year. I spent the weekend I'd booked off camping alone in my own garden in the…
— Anonymous
You planned so far ahead you missed the present entirely. You'll do the same with your retirement.
It will be reviewed by one tired man. He is already laughing.