Hello! Your opinion matters to us. Please complete this anonymous survey. Your responses will become a slide with a green arrow on it, presented by a man who earns eleven of you. Estimated time: 12 minutes. Actual time: the rest of your afternoon, wondering if IT can see your IP address. They can.
Question 1
On a scale of 1 to 5, how engaged do you feel at work?
- 1 – I am engaged in the sense that my body is here.
- 3 – I am engaged to the coffee machine. It is the only thing here that gives back.
- 5 – I am on the leadership team. I am filling this in from a boat.
Question 2
Do you feel your manager supports your career development?
- Yes, they once forwarded me a webinar. It was about resilience. So was the restructure.
- No, but they have strong opinions about my font choices.
- I have had four managers this year. I suspect I’m the one being developed out.
The survey is completely anonymous, which is why it asks for your department, team, start date, location, shoe size and the name of your first pet.
Question 3
Would you recommend this company as a great place to work?
- To a friend: no.
- To an enemy: immediately.
- To a recruiter: I am doing that in another tab as we speak.
Question 4
What one thing would improve your experience at work?
[Free text box, 50 characters max. Enough for “more pay” and nothing else. Thousands have typed it. It has been read by no one, like a message in a bottle thrown into a car park.]
What Happens Next
Results will be shared at a town hall in three months. Engagement will be “stable”, the way a flatline is stable. Leadership will announce an action plan: a second survey to find out why people hate surveys. Your opinion matters to us. Your salary does not.
Thank you for participating. A reminder will be sent tomorrow, and every day after, until you either complete this survey or leave. Both outcomes are on the slide.