GREAT MUDSWORTH —
A Great Mudsworth Council spokesperson has confirmed that “lessons will be learned” after the high street regeneration project went £2.4 million over budget, but declined to say which lessons, who would learn them, or when.
Speaking outside the council offices, which were closed, the spokesperson said the council “takes these concerns extremely seriously” and that “a full review is ongoing”. Asked when the review began, he said it was “not helpful to put timescales on these things”.
The regeneration project, launched in 2023, promised “a vibrant, thriving town centre”. It has so far delivered three planters, a mural of a bee and a pedestrianised zone that buses still drive through.
Residents said they had heard the phrase before. “They said lessons would be learned about the bypass,” said Margaret Holt, 71. “Then the car park. Then the swimming pool. If they’d learned all those lessons they’d have a degree by now.”
Political researchers say “lessons will be learned” is popular because it sounds like an admission without containing one. “It is passive,” said a spokesperson for the invented Office for Promises Not Kept. “Lessons will be learned. By whom? It’s grammatically impossible to blame anyone. It’s beautiful, really.”
The council confirmed the review will report in the spring.
Which spring was not specified.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.