Why Do US Election Results Take So Long? An Honest Explanation (With Sighing)
Why US election results take days: fifty states, fifty rulebooks, millions of envelopes, a recount or two and a TV industry that needs a winner before…
MAKE THIS WORSE →SATIRE DESK / RED TAPE / YOUR CALL IS IMPORTANT TO US
LESSONS WILL BE LEARNED
Elections, budgets, climate summits, councils and call centres. Every side, the same treatment. Nobody is spared, least of all the person holding.
This is the desk for everyone who has been told their call is important, their feedback has been noted and lessons will be learned. Zack covers the US midterms from a safe distance, reads the consultation nobody reads and sits on hold so you don't have to. He has been on hold since 2019.
LESSONS WILL BE LEARNED / ARTICLES
LATEST FROM THE DEPARTMENT
The US Midterms 2026, Explained for People Who Don’t Live in America
The 2026 US midterm elections, explained for everyone outside America: what's being elected, why it matters, why it's on a Tuesday chosen for horses, and why…
MAKE THIS WORSE →What Does ‘Too Close to Call’ Mean? Election Night’s Favourite Phrase, Explained
What “too close to call” really means on election night, how it differs from “too early to call”, and why television would rather say it forty…
MAKE THIS WORSE →THE SADIST TIMES / RED TAPE
FROM THE SADIST TIMES / RED TAPE
- COUNCIL SPOKESPERSON CONFIRMS LESSONS WILL BE LEARNED, DECLINES TO SAY WHICH OR BY WHOMStatement contains the words “review”, “ongoing” and “absolutely”, but no lessons.
- VOTER RECEIVES 40 FUNDRAISING TEXTS A DAY FROM BOTH PARTIES, NOW REPLIES ‘NEW PHONE WHO DIS’Messages warn that democracy depends on a $5 donation by midnight, every midnight.
QUOTE FILE / RED-TAPE
FROM THE RED TAPE FILE
- 01The council listened to your feedback.Then it did the thing anyway, but with listening.
- 02You received 40 fundraising texts today.Democracy needs $5 by midnight. Every midnight.
- 03Both parties say this is the most important election of your lifetime.They said that last time. Your lifetime is very important.
- 04Lessons will be learned.By whom, and when, will also be learned. Eventually. Possibly.
- 05Your call is important to us.Not important enough to answer, but important.
UNNECESSARY STATISTICS
FROM THE OFFICE FOR PROMISES NOT KEPT
All people and places are invented. The disappointment is real.