NETHER STOWFIELD —
A Nether Stowfield man who finished his Fortnite battle pass on Sunday has reported feeling slightly less empty for about four seconds, before the feeling was replaced by an announcement about next season.
The moment, described by researchers as the only reward in any battle pass that cannot be equipped, is the same in every game with a season: Call of Duty, Apex Legends, Rocket League and the rest. Players grind for weeks, reach tier 100 and feel, briefly, that it was worth it.
“Players say they want rewards that mean something,” said a spokesperson for the invented Bureau of Unfinished Games. “The industry has listened. It has found the one feeling it can sell every three months. We are, frankly, impressed.”
Kieran Aldous, 26, reached tier 100 after 92 hours of play and £26.97 in tier skips. “It was nice,” he said. “For about four seconds. Then the screen said next season starts in three days. I bought it. I don’t know why. My hands did it.”
Analysts said the feeling was a natural part of the battle pass, which turns spare time into a list of jobs and charges a fee to see the list. “The emptiness is built in,” said one. “The pass just tells you when it starts.”
Aldous has already started the next season.
It used to be a hobby. Now it’s a shift.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.