SATIRE DESK / SELF-HELP / NO REFUNDS. GROWTH IS UNCOMFORTABLE.

RISE AND DON'T

Life coaches, motivational speakers, hustle gurus, 5am clubs and the £997 course that changes everything except your bank balance. Their bank balance is doing great.

This is the desk for everyone who has been told to manifest it, step into their power and invest in themselves, by someone holding a card reader. Zack has no programme, no mastermind and no morning routine. He has read the posters, sat through the free masterclass and stayed for the upsell. Monday Demotivation every Monday. Coaches translated every Wednesday. Honest posters every Friday. Lower your expectations. It's cheaper.

FREE TOOL / NO COACHING PACKAGE REQUIREDPERSONALISED DEMOTIVATIONTell Zack your goal. Get a bespoke, hand-crafted letdown. Cheaper than a mastermind and roughly as useful.LOWER MY EXPECTATIONS →FREE TOOL / SUNSET NOT INCLUDEDMAKE YOUR OWN HONEST POSTERWrite the motivational quote your boss would never frame. Share it before anyone stops you.MAKE A POSTER →

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UNNECESSARY STATISTICS

FROM THE INSTITUTE OF UPSELLS

£997

is the price of every online course that promises financial freedom. Never £1,000. That would look expensive.Source: Institute of Upsells

41 months

is how long one mastermind has had "only 3 spots left". Scarcity has never been so plentiful.Source: Institute of Upsells

14 seconds

is the average length of an influencer's ice bath, before editing. After editing: three minutes and a life lesson.Source: Bureau of Cold Water

11 days

is how long the average "30-Day Reset" lasts. The remaining 19 days are spent feeling guilty, which also counts as a reset.Source: Department of January

100%

of coaches say "this isn't about the money" within four minutes of mentioning a payment plan.Source: Institute of Upsells

All people and places are invented. The disappointment is real.