NEW YORK —
A television pundit has filled six hours of US midterm election coverage almost entirely with variations of the phrase “it’s going to be a long night”, according to a viewer who kept count.
The analyst, who appears on an invented cable channel, used the phrase 63 times between 7pm and 1am, alongside 41 uses of “too early to call”, 28 uses of “path to victory” and one emotional moment in which he described a county in Pennsylvania as “where America lives”.
Viewers said the commentary was accurate. “It was a long night,” said Glenn Abernathy, 52, who watched from his sofa. “He was right about that. He was right about that 63 times.”
Asked whether he had any other insights, the pundit said the race could “go either way”, that “both sides will be watching closely” and that “it all comes down to turnout”, which he described as “a framework”.
A spokesperson for the invented Bureau of Election Night Television said pundits play a vital role. “There are many hours of coverage and very few results,” she said. “Somebody has to fill them. That somebody has a very good tie.”
The pundit is expected back on air tomorrow, to say it is going to be a long week.
It is.
This article is satire. The people, places, quotes and studies described are fictional.