Skip to content (we won't be offended)

SATIRE DESK / SHOWBIZ / A SOURCE CLOSE TO THE STAR

FAMOUS FOR REASONS

Notes-app apologies, reality TV, award shows that thank everyone, celebrity podcasts, comeback tours and the Christmas advert that made you cry at a hedgehog.

This is the desk for everyone who has watched a famous person apologise to the algorithm, thank 214 people in a speech or announce a fourth comeback. Zack has read the statement. He noticed the word “sorry” isn't in it. He noticed the merch link is.

FREE TOOL / PLEASE RESPECT MY PRIVACY AT THIS TIMETHE CELEBRITY APOLOGY GENERATORPick what you did. Get a full Notes-app apology, grey text on white, with a ‘taking time to reflect’ line, no actual sorry and a link to your merch.ISSUE A STATEMENT →

FAMOUS FOR REASONS / ARTICLES

LATEST FROM THE RED CARPET

QUOTE FILE / SHOWBIZ

FROM THE SHOWBIZ FILE

  1. 01They're taking time away from social media.You know because they posted about it eleven times.
  2. 02“I'm here for the right reasons.”The reasons are a teeth-whitening deal and a fake tan.
  3. 03They posted an apology in the Notes app.It was addressed to the fans. The person they hurt didn't get a screenshot.

ALL 3 SHOWBIZ QUOTES →

UNNECESSARY STATISTICS

FROM THE INSTITUTE OF CELEBRITY CONTRITION

9 days
is the average length of a celebrity's “time away to reflect”. The average length of the resulting beach photo caption is one word.Source: Institute of Celebrity Contrition

All people and places are invented. The disappointment is real.